The last few weeks

[mimpimanis]

I have been away the last few weeks, if anyone noticed.

My mum got sick, was admitted to hospital. Five days after being admitted she was diagnosed with cancer & given 2/3 weeks to live. 3 Days later I brought her home to nurse here, as her wish was to die at home not in hospital & I was also very distressed at the way she was being cared for in the hospital. Two weeks to the day, after the diagnosis she died. Her funeral was yesterday, it was just as she & I planned, it was beautiful, even down to her bamboo coffin!

I miss her terribly, she was a huge part of my life & I feel like life will never be the same again. But I will be going back to work tomorrow & need to try & pull myself together & get back to some sort of normality. So will try to be around the boards here a bit more.

Gemma

 

[Irislahay]

Mimpimanis...

I am very sorry to hear about your mom... Turut Berdukacita, Mimpimanis...

 

[jodymc]

Hi Gemma,

Your loss will be felt for a long time, be kind to yourself and allow the emotions to flow, it is part of the healing process.

I send warm comforting thoughts to you.

Jody (Melbourne but hopefully soon Bali)

 

[drbruce]

Mimpi,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I know how hard it is to lose a parent, espccially one that you are very close to. Our best thoughts and wishes.

Bruce

 

[Tracey]

Oh Gemma,
I have followed your story & your closeness with your Mum for years now via various forums as you know.
Just reading this now & I am crying, partly because I knew how much you worried about your dear Mum whenever you were away from her, you felt guilty being in Lombok with Made whilst she was ill in the UK etc....
I always read how close you both were & how much you both loved each other.
I hope now you will be able to settle in Lombok for once & for all knowing your Mum is looking over you & Made in Lombok & guiding you.

I hope you don't have any guilt from bewing away from her all those times as she really wanted you to have your own life.

I am happy that you managed to give her to the gods the way she had wanted....

I hope you are healing & finding the strength to carry on, just as your Mum would have wanted!

Wish I could reach out & give you a hug... Much Love & strength to you....

 

[Bert Vierstra]

Sorry to hear that mimpi...., all the best...

bamboo coffin

:?:

 

[Roy]

Gemma, I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your mom. I lost mine on Mother’s Day two years ago this coming month. She was in the last stages of preparing her permanent move to Bali when she suffered a heart attack. We had her place all set for her, etc. and it was a terrible shock to us all, including my wife Eri with whom she had become very close.

In the end we had her ashes sent to me in Bali and we had a wonderful Hindu purification ceremony for her at the sea. This was important for me as it provides me a sense that she did in fact move to Bali and in a way, is still here with us. Anyway you can get yourself to believe that your mum is still with you, helps greatly. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

 

[InAdelaide]

Hi sorry to hear about your mum..My mum died about 3 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago she was 66 ... was very hard to watch her waste away..When mum died i was busy at work and just kept on working...but it hit me about 6 months later and i really struggled for some time...The thing I learnt was it pays to take some time off and spend with family and friends and to let ourself grieve our loss..My father died recently at 82 and although still a shock i seem to have coped better this time

 

[Thorsten]

Dear Gemma,

I'm sorry to hear hear about your mother, please take my sincere condolences.

Yesterday, we burried my grandmother, who died Friday morning, she was 93 years old and suffering Alzheimer for some years.
She died after having breakfast without suffering for a second, so this is much easier to accept.

Two year ago, I lost my father very surprising and this was a dramatically incident to us, InAdelaide made a very good point.
Share your mourning, your memories, thoughts and emotions with the people close to you and give it some time.
It takes time to get over this, don't try to push asside emotions whenever they rise, very often this will lead into a depression.

Wish you all the best
Thorsten

 

[mimpimanis]

Thank you all for your kind messages.

Bert, you seem surprised at the bamboo coffin. We got it from a wildlife sanctuary. It was made out of split bamboo. They are quite popular here now, that & rattan coffins.

Tracy, I have no guilt at my time away in Lombok. Infact I feel good in knowing that I did everything exactly as she wanted, from bringing her home to die & nursing her at home down to every last detail of her funeral which we planned together a few days before she died.

I will be taking mum's ashes to Lombok with me & planting a tree in her memory.

I would like now to make the permanent move to Lombok but our kiosk & homestay do not generate enough income yet for me to afford to. However we will be in the new Rough Guide that will come out later this year, so maybe things will pick up a bit then. Returning to the Uk to work will be more difficult for me though, without mum to stay with. Her apartment was only rented, they are allowing me to stay on in it until the end of June which allows me to finish my contract at work.

Thank you all again.
Gemma

 

[matsaleh]

Sorry to hear of your loss Gemma. My thoughts are with you.

My father, with whom I had a very close relationship, passed away 5 years ago and it's taken me a very long time to come to terms with the loss.

Even now, I still catch myself thinking, "I must ask Dad...." and then I remember....but I ask anyway. I'm sure he's still listening.

I agree with the other members, take time to grieve and share your memories. It's therapeutic.

Best wishes,
Linda

 

[InAdelaide]

Mimm...i think your in Nursing...Have you considered doing contract work here in Australia They have been bringing nurses on short term contracts from overseas and closer to Lombok for you.

Bryan

 

[mimpimanis]

Hi Bryan

No I am not in nursing. When I say I brought my mum home to nurse, I was bringing her home to die really. It was too late for any treatment. I looked after her by feeding her, while she could still eat a little, getting her out of bed onto the commode, while she was still able to help me a little.Then emptying her catheter when she was unable to get out of bed at all, when she got an infection & the catheter had to be removed we had to resort to incontinence pads which I would keep changed for her.Giving her, her medications, while she was still able to swallow. Later she had them by syringe driver & injections which the district nurses gave. I got quite a lot of support from occupational health, in showing me how to move her & do things properlythey also provided with a hospital bed with air mattress & pump to prevent pressure sores (didn't work though) a hoist to help get her put of bed. The disrict nurse came in once a day & once a night at first & more often in the end. And we also had her regular carer who came into wash her everyday. So I was not really nursing mum, only making her as comfortable as I could.

But thank you for making the suggestion anyway.

My first day back at work is nearly over - 10 minutes to go. It has been one of my longest working days ever!

 

[Angie]

Hi Gemma,

Sorry to hear about your Mum, it is wonderful you got to spend those last weeks with her, it must have been a very precious time for you both.

Take care and be kind to yourself

Angie

 

[Richard Kalibukbuk]

Sorry to hear your terrible news.

you certainly did the right thing in letting her die at home with you.

Healing takes time but you are never completley healed, just as it should be as that person was so special.

 

[lozza]

Sorry for the bad news.

I lost my father a few years ago and he never got to see his grandchildren and they never got to see him.

But, I show my boys pictures of poppy and we talk about poppy and every night before we go to bed we say good night and god bless to poppy.

We live a long way from where poppy is buried but everytime we travel there we go to the site and do the flowers thingy and poppy gets a big kiss from the grand kids. Getting a bit teary myself now.

Keep your chin up.

 

[Helen]

To loose a mother is like loosing part of yourself. My prayers are with you.


I thought I saw your face today,
in the sparkle of the morning sun.
And then I heard the angel say,
"Their work on earth is done."

I thought I heard your voice today,
then laugh your hearty laugh.
And then I heard the angel say,
"There's peace dear one at last."

I thought I felt your touch today,
in the breeze that rustled by.
And then I heard the angel say,
"The spirit never dies."

I thought I saw my broken heart,
in the crescent of the moon.
And then I heard the angel say,
"Your God is coming soon."

I thought that you had left me,
for the stars so far above.
And then I heard the angel say,
"She has left you with her love."

I thought that I would miss you so,
and never find my way.
And then I heard the angel say,
"She is with you every day."
"The sun, the wind, the moon, the stars,
will forever be around,
reminding you of the love you shared,
and the peace she has finally found."

 

[Lou]

Mimpi, A little late with this, but sorry to hear about your loss. Hope the apartment problem gets sorted out and that you find yourself permanently in Lombok asap.

 

[Gazer]

Dear Mimpi

I am deeply sorry to learn of your loss. This must be a very painful moment for you. The comforting thought is you could be there for your mum during her last weeks, and were able to fulfill her last wishes.

My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer last Tuesday. My heart sank when the doctor asked to see me and my family members. We have now to decide whether to let the illness take its course (with medication) or to let mum undergo chemotherapy. The tumour is threatening to block her airways. It seems like a race against time. She has a heart condition too. The doctors have cautioned us to be prepared for the worse.

I have received numerous opinions from caring friends with regard to what course of treatment is best for mum. Some say to spare her the pain of the chemo route. Others say to fight the illness. If only there was a way of knowing which is the most merciful route. Either way, it is going to be very painful for her and us.

I have great admiration for my mum. She is very precious to me.

I can imagine how distraught you have been, but do take comfort that the suffering is over for your mum and that she is watching over you from above. Take it easy on yourself and treasure the wonderful memories of your mum.

Kind regards


Gazer

 

[mimpimanis]

Thanks again to all of you, especially to Helen for her poem.

Gazer, I feel so sorry for you too & the decision you have to make. Is your mum in a position to make the decision for herself? My mum already had a "living will" making clear that she would not want treatment & that she wished to die at home. While she was in hospital before the cancer was diagnosed she became very very confused, this was caused by the cancer spreading to her brain but even so she managed in a moment of lucidity to say that she did not want treatment & wanted to go home. They told as with treatment at best it would have given her 2 months. Without it she had 2 weeks.

I was very distressed at how she was treated in the hospital, putting her in nappies rather than getting her out on the commode, putting a tray of food infront of her but nobody helping her eat. While I was with her I did all this for her. She had, had a fall while there luckily she was only bruised.(She fell in the same hospital a few years ago & broke her hip!)I was lucky that I could stay with her most of the day but I was really worried from when I left till when I got back to her in the morning.

On the day I took her home I arrived to find her teddy bear had been stolen out of her bed & her cushion had been stolen out of her wheelchair! Mum was very very confused & agitated, shouting at the nurses & other people in the ward BUT from the minute I got her home she became much calmer & there were no more episodes of shouting (I think it was the strangers around her she could not deal with.) She was still confused but we were able to have many lucid conversations. I was free to do whatever I could for her. I took to singing to her a lot which she seemed to enjoy.

I know that not having treatment was the right thing to do for mum she would not have wanted to be like that for 2 months. I also know that bringing her home was the best thing I could have done. Though I know not everyone is in a position to be able to do that.

Gazer I hope that you can find the strength to get through this very painful & difficult time. I know only to well what it will be like for you. I know that you will make the best decision for your mum.

Feel free to PM me if there is anything you wnat to talk about.

Gemma