Wow, Daniel, what can I say? Well, I can, and most certainly should, start with thanking you for such an insightful and sensitive post.
I think all parents worry and stress the most over the earliest years of their children’s lives when they have little, or no opportunity to make their own decisions, or to take any self responsibility. That period starts right at conception, not only for the mother, but for the father too, as a nurturing husband, and of course goes on for quite a number of years.
I blew it completely with my first marriage, and first family in the US. I blew it because when my wife of that time decided she wanted a divorce, I allowed myself to be forcibly removed from being a father any longer, courtesy of the American family law system. I will always live with my own guilt for not fighting harder and not doing whatever it would have taken to prevent that.
This time around, I will not make the same mistakes. In all honesty, I will admit that I appreciate many (but not all) of the patriarchal aspects of Balinese culture. It’s rather more easy to be a father here, as in many respects, it is demanded or at least expected. Moreover, the community aspect of raising children is a wonderful element of adat. That aspect alone, despite any parenting flaws I have, delights me to raise our children here in Bali...fully integrated and fully Balinese.
Yes, as you point out, it is a dilemma. Thank you again for understanding that.
I gauge Eri’s and my success as parents from our boys. I ask myself every day....are they happy, healthy, strong, learning, asking questions, hugging and kissing, and growing? As long as I can keep saying yes, what else can I expect from myself or Eri?
Daniel, you are right of course that the school they now attend, and virtually all the international or Indonesian/international schools, are transient. There is no getting around that fact. Our children are not the only children that attend school outside of our village. So far, there does not seem to be any sort of “stigma” associated with that sort of thing. On the other hand, there are several men and women in our village, aside from my cousin (Brother Wayan), who have been able to be educated in universities in the US, Europe and Australia after having their basic and secondary education here in our village.
I sometimes wonder, “does the fact that we “export” our boys for their schooling send the wrong signal to others in our village?”
Every aspect of our village has improved rather dramatically in the years since I decided to call it home. Among these improvements is education. I am impressed when my boys are interacting with their many, many cousins, most all being educated here in our village schools. I honestly can see no difference in the skills (aside from English) these other children demonstrate from our own boys.
Sorry to ramble on. I guess you can see clearly that for me, I regard this issue as the most difficult challenge in my life. I think all parents struggle with this dilemma in one way or another. Jimbo, for one, has certainly described that here as he works at hell’s gate to see his own prosper.
If I can add a few more words about the bonding issue that I agree is so important, I would call to attention the pura. As you well know, the Balinese are at temple many, many times a month. While I cannot keep up with my wife in this regard, my boys do, and they love going to temple. These events are as much social as they are religious. The pura are the glue that truly bonds Balinese society. It is there, at temple, that the villagers come together, and it is there, more than any other aspect of Balinese life, where life long bonds, among themselves, and with their Gods, are formed.
