geedee
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; Scottish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English.One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
geedee
Not really a Joke but a nightmare2 nights ago I had a dream of been taken by a great white shark and when I escaped then dragged back under by a saltwater crocodileI was ok till last nights nightmare. I had a terrible and disturbing sleep ,woke up sweating, shaking and screaming.Dreamed I was on the plane going to Bali stuck in the window seat and PSW was in the seat next to meWhat a horrible nightmare ,its 3 hours later and I'm only starting to recover.Do hope this doesn't happen to anyone
balibule
[ATTACH]2642.vB[/ATTACH]
balibule
I boarded an airplane and took my seat. As I settled in, I glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside mine. Eager to strike up a conversation I blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."I swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen sitting next to me, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, "What's your business at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.""Really?" I said. "And what kind of myths are there?""Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish."Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.""Tonto," I said, "Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".[ATTACH]2651.vB[/ATTACH]
davita
This guy was just recovering from surgery and had the oxygen mask on.He mumbled to the pretty nurse "Are my testicles black?"The nurse was new and said her job was to only wipe his face.His voice rose and demanded "OK! but are my testicles black?"She lifted the sheet, took his manhood in one hand, coddled his balls for observation and said..."No Sir! they look normal"He removed his mask and replied "Very nice, don't stop...but I wanted to know...are my test results back?"
Nydave
A young Arab prince goes to university in England,and is staying at a luxury hotel,His father writes to him enquiring how he is doing,Son replies,dear dad everything is good,i have made some nice friends and I get along well with the teachers,But dad I get a lot of weird looks when I arrive at school in my Gold coloured Lambourgini while most of my friends arrive by train,Dad replies,son I have deposited $500 Million in your account,please go out immediately and buy yourself a train of your own and stop embarrassing our family.
davita
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. The more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest at $500. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. If I do the modelling nude I can leave it in the box and return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund.'She appears on the balcony naked and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin..:icon_e_biggrin:
sherm
As a young boy in Austria, Arnold Schwarzenegger liked the custom of participating in the Halloween holiday. He thought he would want to dress as a famous composer of classical music. His parents suggested he'd dress as Beethoven, "Nah not him" he said. His parents then suggested Mozart, "No Mozart not my style". Frustrated his parent said "Then who will you be?""I'll be Bach"
geedee
DIVORCE SETTLEMENTOn the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of 2008 Silver Oak Cabernet. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.Then, slowly, the house began to smell.They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.Then the ex-husband called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods ! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU...?[/QUOTE]I love that.
tintin
CONVERSATION OF AN OLD ALSATIAN COUPLE . On a beautiful summer evening, the swallows have fallen silent ...and so have the turtles... Sitting on the terrace, next to his wife, the old man, listening to the silence, savor a glass of Gewurztraminer. Suddenly he said:- I love you so much, I do not know how I could possibly live without you ... His wife asks him: - Is it just you .. or is it the Gewurztraminer speaking...? And the old man answers: - It's me ... talking to the Gewurztraminer ...
davita
Not really a joke but very amusing......[url]https://www.youtube.com/embed/yBJEP4lsRFY[/url]
Adam
One friday afternoon, a woman was sitting with a neighbour on her front porch. The two were enjoying a drink and waiting for their husbands to come home. The first woman's hubby approached the house first."Oh, here comes Dale with a bunch of flowers. Guess that means I'll be on my back with my legs in the air all weekend" she said with a smile.The other woman thought for a second, looked at her and said, "You know, I could just lend you a vase if you want."
davita
A man and his ever-nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem.She suddenly died and the cost to transport her body home was $5,000...but to be buried there was only $150.The guy opted to transport her home. The undertaker asked why pay for the big expense...He said he'd heard about a guy who died and was buried there......but 3 days later rose from the dead..."I can't take that chance".
sherm
wtf already posted
geedee
[ATTACH]2671.vB[/ATTACH]
geedee
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who,in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer,bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...Could you give me some tips?' he asked.The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you'rewearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'Sure will 'The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any moretips?''Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of yourholster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw''Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man."You bet it will,' said the old-timer.The young man took out his knife, cut the notch,stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun."No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all overthe gun, handle and all.''Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when WyattEarp gets done playing the piano, where he's gonna shove that gun right up , it won't hurt as much.!!!
geedee
As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?5. If you mated a Bulldog with a ****su would you get a Bull****?6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?11. What do people in China call their good plates?12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.14. What do you call male ballerinas?15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme rubbish why doesn't he buy his dinner?17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
YPDN
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?A fish.
YPDN
My dog must have the coldest nose.Whenever he comes in the room, all the other dogs sit down.
Nydave
What does a wife and a hurricane have in common,They both take your house and car when they`re leaving
