davita
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them. Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
Nydave
,Nice one Davita,,I really like it,how to hell can you remember all of that,im a few yrs younger that you and no way I could remember it all,
davita
,Nice one Davita,,I really like it,how to hell can you remember all of that,im a few yrs younger that you and no way I could remember it all,[/QUOTE]I have the memory, and some other paraphernalia and accoutrements, of an elephant....... but I'm a relative of a Schitter myself and have some qualifications in that respect. I've also learned much from many experts in my pub's fraternity of B/Srrs's, of which there are many...:icon_e_surprised:Actually I copied from an email someone sent me and thought it amusing to share.
davita
For those who didn't respect my info of having the appendage of an elephant.....please see linked evidence below.On this forum I'm only known as Davita but in Hispanic forums I'm La'conda.....[url=http://www.tmz.com/2015/09/10/19-inch-penis-roberto-esquivel-cabrera-anaconda-mexico-prison/]19-inch Penis Man -- Prison Guards Tormented Me ... They Called Me Anaconda | TMZ.com[/url]
Steve Rossell
A farmer buys a young rooster and as soon as it is let loose it ph@#ks all 150 of the farmer's hens!The farmer is very impressed.After lunch time the young rooster again screws all 150 hens.The next day the young cock is at it again and spends the day ph@#king all of the farmers ducksand the geese to!The next day the farmer finds his new rooster lying on the ground half dead and vultures hovering overhead."Well", drawls the farmer, "you deserve it, you horny little bastard".The rooster wearily opens one eye and points to the sky and says,"shhhhh.....they're about to land".
davita
A drunk man who stunk of booze sat down on a subway next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of Sailor Jerry was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' then returned to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
geedee
A drunk man who stunk of booze sat down on a subway next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of Sailor Jerry was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' then returned to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'[/QUOTE]like
geedee
Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.Patent officer: "How does it work then?"Paddy: "Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade and it slits his throat".Patent officer: "Stupid git! There wouldn't be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat. Get out of my office and don't come back until you've perfected it".After months of head scratching Paddy makes a single but vital modification: he removes the cheese. He proudly returns to the patent office and puts the trap on the desk.Patent officer: "OK, Wise guy, enlighten me".Paddy: "Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp, leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat..."Patent officer: "Away you go, that's exactly the same as before."Paddy: "No, no. This time he moves his head from side to side saying '"where the hells the cheese?"
Steve Rossell
The Irish Space Program pulled together a press conference promising to make an announcement of an historic undertaking.After introducing 4 astronauts the Mission Chief announced that these four men will be the first astronauts to ever land on the sun.The press were stunned into silence until the first question from the gallery was launched, "Ummm....but aren't you worried that you will burn into a vapour some 3 million kilometres from the surface?""Ah yes dat's a good question and we gave that quite a considerable amount of taught. Derr isn't a problem 'coz ya know why?......We're going to fly at night time, on a full moon no less".
geedee
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 999 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
BestofBali
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
geedee
My mate works for the Royal Mail, and part of his job is to process all the mail that has illegible addresses. One day last week, a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to Father Christmas. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. He opened it and it read:Dear Father Christmas,I am a 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100.00 in it, which was all the money I have until my next pension money. In a couple of Sunday's it is Christmas, and I have invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? I could really do with you delivering anything before Xmas Day.Sincerely, EdnaMy mate was touched so he showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96.00, which they put into an envelope and delivered in the post the next day to the woman. He told me all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done. Then a few days ago, another letter came from the old lady, to Father Christmas again. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:Dear Father Christmas,How can I ever thank you enough for what you have done for me? Because of your gift of love, I am now able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. I'm sure we'll all have a very nice day and I've told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 missing. I think it must have been those' thieving buggers at the Royal Mail ...Sincerely, Edna .
davita
Re post #77 by geedeeIf your post was a joke it was very funny...if it really happened it was hilariously funny....:highly_amused:
Andrew P
Far away, in the tropical waters of Bali, two prawns were swimming around in the warm Indian ocean. One was named Justin and the other Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by the numerous sharks that patrolled the area.One day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."As soon as Justin had fixated on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" - and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark!Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old pal.Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realized that his new, menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.While out swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and couldn't believe his luck. Justin figured that if the fish could change him from a prawn to a shark, he could just as readily change him back into a prawn. He begged the cod to return him to his original form and, lo and behold (again), he turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a bintang.Looking around the boisterous gathering at the reef, Justin searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked."He's at home, distraught that his best friend went over to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend! Come out and see me!"Christian replied, "No way, man, you'll eat me! You're a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked!"Justin cried back, "No, no, I'm not! That was the old me - I've changed...I've found Cod - I'm a prawn again Christian!
geedee
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Markit
Gosh is them from that new-fangled thang called FaceBook? I sure do wish we got that here too cause I only saw them thar same pictures a whole week ago on mine...
davita
Trump: The less immigrants the better.Pence: You mean fewer.Trump: I'm not a mean Fuehrer...and don't call me that...not yet.
davita
I met an Ozzie guy in the pub who was looking forlorn...I asked "What's up mate?" He replied his girlfriend had been sunbathing nude and got stung on the pussy and it had swollen shut!' I commiserated and said "Bummer mate." He gulped his beer down and said "Great idea mate...thanks!" and left.
Steve Rossell
Paddy yells frantically into the phone,"My wife's contractions are 15 seconds apart!!!".Doctor asks, "Is this her first child?".Paddy yells back, "No, this is her fookin' husband!".
davita
Gotta love Rodney Dangerfield....With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!A hooker once told me she had a headache.My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. [B]THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD[/B]
