Jokes

geedee

Though I would do a joke thread This one is short but I love it then again I have a weird sense of humour[B]Bloke goes into the Library, asks the prim librarian:"Have you got any books on suicide?"Librarian looks at him over top of her glasses and says,"**** off! you wont bring it back!"[/B]

Rangi

2 clowns were eating a cannibal. One said to the other "How's it going, mate?". The other replied "Fantastic! I'm having a ball.". [/QUOTE]http://cdn.meme.am/instances/54954429.jpg[/IMG]

geedee

After the last New Zealand Vs Australia game in Auckland ,Australian fans left over 1000 beer cans littered in the city centreThe police have arrested both of the offenders

Nydave

3 nuns are driving,get into a wreck all killed,the arrive at the gates of Heaven and St Peter is on guard,,Ladies I know you have all led good religious lives,however there are rules and they apply to everyone Each of you have to answer a question if you get it right you go thru the gates and enter Heaven,First NunQuestion,,Who was the first manNun replies, that was AdamPeter says you'r right and opens the gates to let her thru,Second Nuns question was,,,Who was the first womanShe answered that was Eve,Peter,,your right now you can enter HeavenThird nuns question,,What were the first words Eve spoke to Adam,,Nun is thinking and thinking,,Peter says I need an answer she's, wow that's a hard one,peter repliesYou are absolutely right you can now enter Heaven

geedee

The Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai... There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai,I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.She got excited and said:"sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, my friend, who'd been to China before, interpreted it for me and told me what she really said: 666136429[/QUOTE]I like that

geedee

[SIZE=4]A joke I love from a few years ago by Kerry O Keeffe(ABC cricket commentator)[/SIZE]A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack."Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."She holds up the tiny pink elephant."I mean, what in the world is this?"The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Steve Rossell

Cute one geedee.

geedee

A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold."Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam. Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

davita

Paddy goes to his local pharmacy and hands over a miniature bottle of Irish Whiskey."Doe this taste sweet?" he asked. The pharmacist, known for his penchant for whiskey, unscrewed the cap and slugged the contents. "Nope!" he exclaimed.... licking his lips "It's perfect.""That's good news" says Paddy "the doctor said I should get my urine checked for sugar!"

geedee

davita

Hey Davita happy ChristmasYou told that one last week how about another[/QUOTE]Ooops repeating jokes...my bad. That's what happens when too much egg-nog is consumed and then writing on too many forums.Merry Xmas to you and to all forumers...Now have I told the one about Paddy selling his python on ebay....Oh! probably did.

davita

I haven't heard it.[/QUOTE]Paddy advertises his pet python on ebay. He gets a response "How big is it?'Paddy replies "Its huge!." "Yeh.... but how many feet?' "None... you fecking idjet...it's a snake!"

Markit

[ATTACH]2623.vB[/ATTACH]Merry Christmas

geedee

Paddy advertises his pet python on ebay. He gets a response "How big is it?'Paddy replies "Its huge!." "Yeh.... but how many feet?' "None... you fecking idjet...it's a snake!"[/QUOTE]Come on Davita you gave us that one 2 weeks agoHowever i like the word Idjet haven't heard it for years.

geedee

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male supportgroups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up"Golf Courses" in the phone book.

geedee

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. These are our rules:-Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!1. Breasts are for looking at, and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.1. Learn to work the toilet seat? You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.1. Crying is blackmail.1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do NOT work! Strong hints do NOT work! Obvious hints do NOT work! Just say it!!!1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.1. If you think you are fat, you probably ARE. Don't ask us.1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself!1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials?1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing', we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!!!1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.1. You have enough clothes!1. You have too many shoes!1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!

davita

Come on Davita you gave us that one 2 weeks agoHowever i like the word Idjet haven't heard it for years.[/QUOTE]It's really nice to know that some even read what I write...never mind remembering when I don't.It gives me that warm, all-over fuzzy feeling....correction...I think that's still from the egg-nog!Happy New Year.

Steve Rossell

Tis the season. :)Jesus Christ walks into a tavern, puts 3 nails and a cross on the bar and ask's, "Can you put me up for the night?"

geedee

At an art auction in Edinburgh, Scotland, a wealthy American lost his wallet containing 20,000 . He announced to the gathering that that he would give a reward of 200 to the person who found it.From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give 250

geedee

A recent study conducted by Glasgow University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year.Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon.Kind of makes you proud to be Scottish!