It has been brought to my attention that there are many volunteers and others who have been storing painful memories regarding their involvement in the tragedy of October 12, either by direct or indirect personal contact. I know that I personally need to let some of this stored emotion out. Is there anyone out there who feels the same way? Should I pour it all out on this forum or is there a better way to communicate with others who have been through the same trauma and need to talk.Please let me know,either here or by e-mail,what your feelings are about sharing our thoughts together......I feel that now,one month after this terrible ordeal began,is the right time to reach out to each other....how does everyone else feel? Is this a good idea or should we all continue our lives with those memories on the shelves of our minds until later. Gloria
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The Healing Process
- Thread starter Gloria
- Start date
Letter from "Morgue Boy"
The following is a letter from a good friend who from Sunday October 13th and for six straight days thereafter worked the worst possible job imaginable in the Sanglah morgue. Whatever horrific stories you have heard, this man was right there for all of them and then some. I suggested he do some writing to try to process his feelings and this is the letter he wrote as general mailing to friends and family in the immediate aftermath. This letter was begun immediately upon finishing his work in the morgue and thus may still be very effected by the experience. The name "Morgue Boy" is a bit of gallows humor we came up with on the seventh day while out surfing in west Bali. Believe me, there was a lot of gallows humor in play among the handful who had the stomach to commit themselves to that terrible task. In view of Gloria's posting above, I immediately thought about his letter and called him up. Graciously and without hesitation he said post it, so here it is. Read on...
To All My Family & Friends (friends, you are family too -- in so many ways....),
Thank You from the bottom of my heart for all the support you have given me these past few days; there were moments when your telephone calls to me in the middle of the night, were like godsends that helped give me strength & courage in a time of great darkness & sadness. I apologize to all of you for not immediately responding to your e-mails. The fact is, that I have not had the time (since Saturday night) to check my e-mails until now. If I could have responded, I would have but things here were just a total mess. I have lost friends & I have friends who have been severely wounded....... At this point, I still do not know how many friends I have lost for sure (thus far, only 2)......
I am finally winding down and now have a moment to write. Where do I start??? I have so much to tell --- I need to get it all off my back & outta' my mind & my dreams...... I need to cry & I need to mourn but I'm finding it difficult to do so because I had to be like a rock these past few days & now I feel hardened. I feel almost as if some things I will never be able to talk about...... Saturday night at about 11:15pm or so, I heard & saw the two nightclub explosions light up the night sky & emit huge mushrooms of smoke as I headed home from a friend's house --- I was in the rice paddies near my house and had a clear view. Somehow, I instictively knew it had been a bomb / bombs; this instinct was confirmed within minutes of my hearing & seeing the explosions & smoke and I wanted to go help immediately but I didn't as I felt I would only add to the mess. The confirmation later that night was that there had been 3 bombs: 1 at the Sari Club (the oldest pub-nightclub in ALL of Bali); 1 at Paddy's & 1 at the United States consulate.
On Sunday morning (the day after) I went to Sanglah Hospital in Denpasar (the largest of Bali's hospitals) to volunteer my help. All of the hospitals in the southern portion of Bali were completely maxed out with bomb victims. It was a lot of change, chaos & uncertainty; and there were so many badly wounded & dead that it was almost too much to take in. The hospital beds were literally soaked all the way through, with blood. There were lots of unidentified victims.
What I did as a volunteer throughout the whole ordeal came upon me because there were a few of us who were able to 'keep it together' & stay focused. We emerged, I guess you could say, as 'coordinators' of the various facets of the volunteer relief efforts & of the volunteers themselves. However, I was initially assigned to the unpleasant responsibility / task of helping families & friends of the deceased TRY to identify the bodies of their loved ones IN THE MORGUE.
I will never forget this. I will never forget the first day when there weren't enough body bags. I will never forget the first body bag I had to unzip & I will never forget the last body bag I had to unzip. I had to unzip & zip up many, many, many body bags. I will never forget the body bag of my long time friend, Ana Cecilia Aviles, from Ecuador --- I had to help identify her. Of all the 'ID attempts' I helped with these past few days (approx. 5 - 10 corpses a day), I only saw one positive ID and that was Ana (and only because her body was the least destroyed of all the bodies I saw). Most of the bodies that I had to help with were so badly damaged that they couldn't be positively ID'd without DNA testing.
It was hard, such hard work. I was doing 15 - 18 hour days (not all in the morgue though, thank God). I don't feel I need to go into detail but just to give you all an idea of the shit I had to do: there are certain steps to identifying a badly damaged corpse & one of these steps has to do with 'discriminating features' such as: tattoos, piercings, teeth (silver teeth, spaces between teeth, etc.). The extensive damage that MOST of the deceased had suffered meant that I had to do things to be able to see these discriminating features. On my last ID attempt, the (most charred of all my id tries) corpse had a silver tooth and as I tried to pry open the mouth, the entire jaw of this guy just cracked apart in my fucking hands as the 'uncle looking for his nephew' just sat there and cried & cried & cried......
Conditions were extremely brutal. It was Bali tropical heat & humidity. Those of you that have visited me here know the heat & humidity of the dry season. It's always cooler in the dry season --- but we're coming into the rainy season now and the humidity & heat have increased. The hospital Sanglah does not have a refrigerated morgue & the first 2 days there wasn't enough ice to keep the bodies cold so there was rapid decomposition of the bodies & those of us who had to help with identification had to just 'grin & bear it' for lack of a better phrase. Your telephone calls to me during this time helped me in so many ways (Erik, Dad, Mom, Ashley, etc. Thank You soooo much.......).
I'm going through post-traumatic shock now. When I want to mourn I can't. Instead it comes in the form of flashbacks which I cannot control. I did, however, have a decent cry at my friend, Ana's cremation this last Friday. Sleeping is difficult but not as hard as the first few days into the crisis. Some of you live here part-time, there is a possibility that you have lost friends / have friends who've been injured also; and some of you have informed me you know someone who lost someone, etc. If you're in the dark and want to find out info. let me know & I will do the best I can to help you find out the info you need.
I now know what the term means: To give blood, sweat & tears...... I don't know what else to say at this point other than THANK YOU MY FRIENDS & FAMILY FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT & FOR THINKING OF ME. say some prayers or do something nice for somebody else today. spread love, not hate. make this world a beautiful place for everyone to live in.............
PEACE, Jason
The following is a letter from a good friend who from Sunday October 13th and for six straight days thereafter worked the worst possible job imaginable in the Sanglah morgue. Whatever horrific stories you have heard, this man was right there for all of them and then some. I suggested he do some writing to try to process his feelings and this is the letter he wrote as general mailing to friends and family in the immediate aftermath. This letter was begun immediately upon finishing his work in the morgue and thus may still be very effected by the experience. The name "Morgue Boy" is a bit of gallows humor we came up with on the seventh day while out surfing in west Bali. Believe me, there was a lot of gallows humor in play among the handful who had the stomach to commit themselves to that terrible task. In view of Gloria's posting above, I immediately thought about his letter and called him up. Graciously and without hesitation he said post it, so here it is. Read on...
To All My Family & Friends (friends, you are family too -- in so many ways....),
Thank You from the bottom of my heart for all the support you have given me these past few days; there were moments when your telephone calls to me in the middle of the night, were like godsends that helped give me strength & courage in a time of great darkness & sadness. I apologize to all of you for not immediately responding to your e-mails. The fact is, that I have not had the time (since Saturday night) to check my e-mails until now. If I could have responded, I would have but things here were just a total mess. I have lost friends & I have friends who have been severely wounded....... At this point, I still do not know how many friends I have lost for sure (thus far, only 2)......
I am finally winding down and now have a moment to write. Where do I start??? I have so much to tell --- I need to get it all off my back & outta' my mind & my dreams...... I need to cry & I need to mourn but I'm finding it difficult to do so because I had to be like a rock these past few days & now I feel hardened. I feel almost as if some things I will never be able to talk about...... Saturday night at about 11:15pm or so, I heard & saw the two nightclub explosions light up the night sky & emit huge mushrooms of smoke as I headed home from a friend's house --- I was in the rice paddies near my house and had a clear view. Somehow, I instictively knew it had been a bomb / bombs; this instinct was confirmed within minutes of my hearing & seeing the explosions & smoke and I wanted to go help immediately but I didn't as I felt I would only add to the mess. The confirmation later that night was that there had been 3 bombs: 1 at the Sari Club (the oldest pub-nightclub in ALL of Bali); 1 at Paddy's & 1 at the United States consulate.
On Sunday morning (the day after) I went to Sanglah Hospital in Denpasar (the largest of Bali's hospitals) to volunteer my help. All of the hospitals in the southern portion of Bali were completely maxed out with bomb victims. It was a lot of change, chaos & uncertainty; and there were so many badly wounded & dead that it was almost too much to take in. The hospital beds were literally soaked all the way through, with blood. There were lots of unidentified victims.
What I did as a volunteer throughout the whole ordeal came upon me because there were a few of us who were able to 'keep it together' & stay focused. We emerged, I guess you could say, as 'coordinators' of the various facets of the volunteer relief efforts & of the volunteers themselves. However, I was initially assigned to the unpleasant responsibility / task of helping families & friends of the deceased TRY to identify the bodies of their loved ones IN THE MORGUE.
I will never forget this. I will never forget the first day when there weren't enough body bags. I will never forget the first body bag I had to unzip & I will never forget the last body bag I had to unzip. I had to unzip & zip up many, many, many body bags. I will never forget the body bag of my long time friend, Ana Cecilia Aviles, from Ecuador --- I had to help identify her. Of all the 'ID attempts' I helped with these past few days (approx. 5 - 10 corpses a day), I only saw one positive ID and that was Ana (and only because her body was the least destroyed of all the bodies I saw). Most of the bodies that I had to help with were so badly damaged that they couldn't be positively ID'd without DNA testing.
It was hard, such hard work. I was doing 15 - 18 hour days (not all in the morgue though, thank God). I don't feel I need to go into detail but just to give you all an idea of the shit I had to do: there are certain steps to identifying a badly damaged corpse & one of these steps has to do with 'discriminating features' such as: tattoos, piercings, teeth (silver teeth, spaces between teeth, etc.). The extensive damage that MOST of the deceased had suffered meant that I had to do things to be able to see these discriminating features. On my last ID attempt, the (most charred of all my id tries) corpse had a silver tooth and as I tried to pry open the mouth, the entire jaw of this guy just cracked apart in my fucking hands as the 'uncle looking for his nephew' just sat there and cried & cried & cried......
Conditions were extremely brutal. It was Bali tropical heat & humidity. Those of you that have visited me here know the heat & humidity of the dry season. It's always cooler in the dry season --- but we're coming into the rainy season now and the humidity & heat have increased. The hospital Sanglah does not have a refrigerated morgue & the first 2 days there wasn't enough ice to keep the bodies cold so there was rapid decomposition of the bodies & those of us who had to help with identification had to just 'grin & bear it' for lack of a better phrase. Your telephone calls to me during this time helped me in so many ways (Erik, Dad, Mom, Ashley, etc. Thank You soooo much.......).
I'm going through post-traumatic shock now. When I want to mourn I can't. Instead it comes in the form of flashbacks which I cannot control. I did, however, have a decent cry at my friend, Ana's cremation this last Friday. Sleeping is difficult but not as hard as the first few days into the crisis. Some of you live here part-time, there is a possibility that you have lost friends / have friends who've been injured also; and some of you have informed me you know someone who lost someone, etc. If you're in the dark and want to find out info. let me know & I will do the best I can to help you find out the info you need.
I now know what the term means: To give blood, sweat & tears...... I don't know what else to say at this point other than THANK YOU MY FRIENDS & FAMILY FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT & FOR THINKING OF ME. say some prayers or do something nice for somebody else today. spread love, not hate. make this world a beautiful place for everyone to live in.............
PEACE, Jason
Crying from our very souls
I dont know how my fingers are going to write this and how my eyes will see the screen but I must. Firstly,my most heartfelt thanks for the posting,no, for the Prayer...which it is for me.Maybe we can all promise to "hold each other" through this pain.I will try to go on.When we drove all that way to Kuta in the early post bomb morning,we feared what we were going to see.We knew at 1 a.m. that there had been a bomb blast in Kuta and it was a holocaust of a tragedy....but we could never have prepared ourselves for what we would find at Sanglah Hospital. I have witnessed many tragic accidents since I have been living in Bali,and I thought I was strong...our clinic has attended to some horrific injuries...but this was a WAR ZONE ,with what seemed to be a "makeshift hospital" to cope with the whole bloody lot,without clean and comfortable wards,very little emergency equipment/training,an almost non existant pharmacy department....few beds,few doctors ,few trained nurses,few ambulances ad infinitum......the situation was chaotic,.....emotional.....but we seemed to all fit in to a sort of ad lib..cog-in-the-wheel...type network.We just fitted together like pieces of a jigsaw...each and every one of us seemed to know our role and when to interchange it with another and when to get out of the way and when not....and when to grab those swing doors and escape outside to breathe again without the smell. But often we were faced with a family member looking for a loved one or some press man looking for a story or a million dollar photo......or some words into a microphone....it was hardly a break to go outside the walls of the ward. it was too confusing on the outside too.We unpacked our boxes of medical aid...and literally threw them to the doctors and others who were running in every direction.I took time out after three days and returned to Lovina to cuddle my three year old daughter Claudia and load my friends car up again with whatever we had left in our small clinic. It was odd the things I packed for the return trip to Sanglah...small Koala Bears and little brown Kangaroos, made in Australia for our poor children of the north..... notebooks ,message stickers, pens,lip salve for cracked lips,feeder cups, more surgical gloves, sheets,sarongs,straws that would bend,strepsils for sore throats,and Aussie Lollypops(obviously intended for kids) but they were so useful for letting a patient suck on for a moment or two,just to change the taste of blood in their mouths...we were so careful not to let their burnt lips touch the lollies and whispered right up close,its ok Just let your tongue taste this ,it will help to stimulate saliva...I managed to find some mouth swabs ,the type that are like giant cotton buds,in our clinic and had thrown them in the car ,they proved to be a wonderful relief for those burned and speechless mouths. A trickle of water from some wet cotton wool dripped a few drops of moisture into dry,parched people.but there was no place to hug them,no unburned flesh,no part that was not in agony...only maybe an ear to whisper into but many were deafened by the blast and couldnt hear me...but knew I was there. I am beginning to wonder if I was really THERE...it was and still is like a movie that wont stop,its stuck in my very soul and I dont know how to turn it off.Slowly,I will be able to tell my story and will do so here...but in small doses PLEASE.............Gloria
I dont know how my fingers are going to write this and how my eyes will see the screen but I must. Firstly,my most heartfelt thanks for the posting,no, for the Prayer...which it is for me.Maybe we can all promise to "hold each other" through this pain.I will try to go on.When we drove all that way to Kuta in the early post bomb morning,we feared what we were going to see.We knew at 1 a.m. that there had been a bomb blast in Kuta and it was a holocaust of a tragedy....but we could never have prepared ourselves for what we would find at Sanglah Hospital. I have witnessed many tragic accidents since I have been living in Bali,and I thought I was strong...our clinic has attended to some horrific injuries...but this was a WAR ZONE ,with what seemed to be a "makeshift hospital" to cope with the whole bloody lot,without clean and comfortable wards,very little emergency equipment/training,an almost non existant pharmacy department....few beds,few doctors ,few trained nurses,few ambulances ad infinitum......the situation was chaotic,.....emotional.....but we seemed to all fit in to a sort of ad lib..cog-in-the-wheel...type network.We just fitted together like pieces of a jigsaw...each and every one of us seemed to know our role and when to interchange it with another and when to get out of the way and when not....and when to grab those swing doors and escape outside to breathe again without the smell. But often we were faced with a family member looking for a loved one or some press man looking for a story or a million dollar photo......or some words into a microphone....it was hardly a break to go outside the walls of the ward. it was too confusing on the outside too.We unpacked our boxes of medical aid...and literally threw them to the doctors and others who were running in every direction.I took time out after three days and returned to Lovina to cuddle my three year old daughter Claudia and load my friends car up again with whatever we had left in our small clinic. It was odd the things I packed for the return trip to Sanglah...small Koala Bears and little brown Kangaroos, made in Australia for our poor children of the north..... notebooks ,message stickers, pens,lip salve for cracked lips,feeder cups, more surgical gloves, sheets,sarongs,straws that would bend,strepsils for sore throats,and Aussie Lollypops(obviously intended for kids) but they were so useful for letting a patient suck on for a moment or two,just to change the taste of blood in their mouths...we were so careful not to let their burnt lips touch the lollies and whispered right up close,its ok Just let your tongue taste this ,it will help to stimulate saliva...I managed to find some mouth swabs ,the type that are like giant cotton buds,in our clinic and had thrown them in the car ,they proved to be a wonderful relief for those burned and speechless mouths. A trickle of water from some wet cotton wool dripped a few drops of moisture into dry,parched people.but there was no place to hug them,no unburned flesh,no part that was not in agony...only maybe an ear to whisper into but many were deafened by the blast and couldnt hear me...but knew I was there. I am beginning to wonder if I was really THERE...it was and still is like a movie that wont stop,its stuck in my very soul and I dont know how to turn it off.Slowly,I will be able to tell my story and will do so here...but in small doses PLEASE.............Gloria
Healing myself....
Fellow travellers in time,
Over the past couple of weeks my mind was searching out to other volunteers knowing that some must be hurting and feeling disorientated.
They ARE there, for what I saw in them was a reflection of my face.
And in that reflection I saw also, the responsibility to move forward in my life in a more dedicated and responsible way. The time to once again turn inward for the answers, rather than outside of myself.
Searching the soul for an explanation. O Black night of the soul. The time when all those big changes you've been wanting to happen, do. Hey and I had been so clever and manipulating to myself, busy resisting all the small changes in life, wanting the big one to happen. Wondering ' Do a whole lot of small changes, add up to a big one?'
Change happens. And that never changes.
My guide line to myself...... things I remind myself at these times. I believe emphatically that everything that happens to me, brings benefits to my life, and enriches my understanding to come, for the goodness of all. I find an outlet for the emotion, and express it as creatively as possible.
I remember that what I believe or speak about myself today, I expect to have confirmed in my tomorrow.
Take action on a negative emotion, and expect a negative result.
Take no action and the results will be out of your control.
Positive action on positve emotions produce positive results.
I remember how everything comes to me; for example my holiday in Bali, a new shirt, a house, a change in my life I may be working toward -
I make the decision as to what I want. I visualise it - the sense of having it, then remind myself constantly until suddenly I have it. I do not entertain the idea that I am not going to have it.
However, in all that having of what I want, what do I want for myself? Which qualities for myself do I chose? who am I going to be, or do I just expect to wait and see who I turn out to be? Do I put no energy into this aspect of my existance, and end up to be a mere average of everything I've ever been, suddenly wake 30 yrs later and be too late to be anything else, or more? Hey I want more than that!
I remind myself to be more focussed on this side of my life, and remind myself of the qualities, the virtues that I must ceaselessly pursue in order to be responsible to our mother earth and all who reside in her. To be more effective in reaching out with the gift I have been given, of life, and do more for the brotherhood of man, by returning my thoughts to the absolute respect and love for each other we had for each other when we first arrived in this dimension,to be mere caretakers. Yes I can see myself, with higher repect for mother earth,to reach out with more understanding and compassion,visualize it, and remind myself every day until it arrives. I trust in the process of life for it to come.
Much better reminding myself everyday that everything I need is coming now. Don't care how it comes. ' I trust in the process of life to fulfill me now,' than it is to wonder down the street confirming 'I have no money or no job now, sh..t is happening to me now, for I'm sure that's exactly what I'll get, same way got my new shirt - I made the decision, I allowed myself to see the item, sense having it, and confirmed it until it arrived. In fact I take a 'photo' in my mind of what I want to achieve. Then it's easier to believe that it's going to turn out exactly like the photo.
But why do I want all these things anyhow? Once I actually believed that if I had a wife a BMW,a house etc, that I would be fulfilled and feeling successful. Until I woke up to the fact that success was a feeling, God given, and we all have the right to feel it. We just forget to see our small successes everyday or feel them, because we are too focussed on achieving the big success, therefore feelings of success are cancelled until the mortgage has been paid off, 'O why did I think I was so clever to get a 40yr mortgage.
So yes I have a good face and a bad face. The good face causes no problems to me at all, but the bad one - I've tried fixing/ modifying my behaviour over the years, the parts of me I did not like, but I never could seem to win, competely. It was a little like trying to build a new car body over an old wrecked chassis. So I stopped putting all that energy in to trying to remodel those aspects of myself I was not happy with, and concentrated on my good face, and was surprised to learn how much easier it is to make your good face to the world, better, than it was to continue fighting the bad face. I think Leonard Cohen sums that up in his words about himself. ' I fought the bottle all my life but had to be drunk to do it.' Actually the good face is so busy now there is hardly time for the bad one.
Facing the problem. Assuming I do not tackle my problem whilst in a negative emotional state about it [ for example by cooling down/ centering myself through meditation,] I proceed by choosing three possible solutions, then again choosing the best sounding one, and act as quickly as possible on it. The more decisions I make, the easier it becomes to chose good ones.
Sometimes it's simply easier to follow what excites you the most for that's truly who you are,
Or does all this only happen to me? After all I am Lemurian, trying to get my head around the concept of the choices we have in life. and the consequences of not handling our lives in the manner that our God intended. Do we just hang around watching as the cause and effect of so much hatred, intolerance, jealousy, corruption and destruction sweeps back on us in a tide of retribution for our behaviour towards this planet and the brothers and sisters we share the same sky, the same water, the same soil with. Is it good enough to be satisfied in blaming it on somebody else?
At what point will we be forced to chose to either return to the power of brotherhood and peace, or to be manufactures of the destruction of this beautiful Universe that God has given us as a gift, to cherish as we should ourselves.
There is no time to be lost waiting for me, for the greatest gift of all is the power of the now, and that's why it is called The Present.
Do you dream to live
or do you live to dream -
have your dreams
or they will have you!
Zontius
Fellow travellers in time,
Over the past couple of weeks my mind was searching out to other volunteers knowing that some must be hurting and feeling disorientated.
They ARE there, for what I saw in them was a reflection of my face.
And in that reflection I saw also, the responsibility to move forward in my life in a more dedicated and responsible way. The time to once again turn inward for the answers, rather than outside of myself.
Searching the soul for an explanation. O Black night of the soul. The time when all those big changes you've been wanting to happen, do. Hey and I had been so clever and manipulating to myself, busy resisting all the small changes in life, wanting the big one to happen. Wondering ' Do a whole lot of small changes, add up to a big one?'
Change happens. And that never changes.
My guide line to myself...... things I remind myself at these times. I believe emphatically that everything that happens to me, brings benefits to my life, and enriches my understanding to come, for the goodness of all. I find an outlet for the emotion, and express it as creatively as possible.
I remember that what I believe or speak about myself today, I expect to have confirmed in my tomorrow.
Take action on a negative emotion, and expect a negative result.
Take no action and the results will be out of your control.
Positive action on positve emotions produce positive results.
I remember how everything comes to me; for example my holiday in Bali, a new shirt, a house, a change in my life I may be working toward -
I make the decision as to what I want. I visualise it - the sense of having it, then remind myself constantly until suddenly I have it. I do not entertain the idea that I am not going to have it.
However, in all that having of what I want, what do I want for myself? Which qualities for myself do I chose? who am I going to be, or do I just expect to wait and see who I turn out to be? Do I put no energy into this aspect of my existance, and end up to be a mere average of everything I've ever been, suddenly wake 30 yrs later and be too late to be anything else, or more? Hey I want more than that!
I remind myself to be more focussed on this side of my life, and remind myself of the qualities, the virtues that I must ceaselessly pursue in order to be responsible to our mother earth and all who reside in her. To be more effective in reaching out with the gift I have been given, of life, and do more for the brotherhood of man, by returning my thoughts to the absolute respect and love for each other we had for each other when we first arrived in this dimension,to be mere caretakers. Yes I can see myself, with higher repect for mother earth,to reach out with more understanding and compassion,visualize it, and remind myself every day until it arrives. I trust in the process of life for it to come.
Much better reminding myself everyday that everything I need is coming now. Don't care how it comes. ' I trust in the process of life to fulfill me now,' than it is to wonder down the street confirming 'I have no money or no job now, sh..t is happening to me now, for I'm sure that's exactly what I'll get, same way got my new shirt - I made the decision, I allowed myself to see the item, sense having it, and confirmed it until it arrived. In fact I take a 'photo' in my mind of what I want to achieve. Then it's easier to believe that it's going to turn out exactly like the photo.
But why do I want all these things anyhow? Once I actually believed that if I had a wife a BMW,a house etc, that I would be fulfilled and feeling successful. Until I woke up to the fact that success was a feeling, God given, and we all have the right to feel it. We just forget to see our small successes everyday or feel them, because we are too focussed on achieving the big success, therefore feelings of success are cancelled until the mortgage has been paid off, 'O why did I think I was so clever to get a 40yr mortgage.
So yes I have a good face and a bad face. The good face causes no problems to me at all, but the bad one - I've tried fixing/ modifying my behaviour over the years, the parts of me I did not like, but I never could seem to win, competely. It was a little like trying to build a new car body over an old wrecked chassis. So I stopped putting all that energy in to trying to remodel those aspects of myself I was not happy with, and concentrated on my good face, and was surprised to learn how much easier it is to make your good face to the world, better, than it was to continue fighting the bad face. I think Leonard Cohen sums that up in his words about himself. ' I fought the bottle all my life but had to be drunk to do it.' Actually the good face is so busy now there is hardly time for the bad one.
Facing the problem. Assuming I do not tackle my problem whilst in a negative emotional state about it [ for example by cooling down/ centering myself through meditation,] I proceed by choosing three possible solutions, then again choosing the best sounding one, and act as quickly as possible on it. The more decisions I make, the easier it becomes to chose good ones.
Sometimes it's simply easier to follow what excites you the most for that's truly who you are,
Or does all this only happen to me? After all I am Lemurian, trying to get my head around the concept of the choices we have in life. and the consequences of not handling our lives in the manner that our God intended. Do we just hang around watching as the cause and effect of so much hatred, intolerance, jealousy, corruption and destruction sweeps back on us in a tide of retribution for our behaviour towards this planet and the brothers and sisters we share the same sky, the same water, the same soil with. Is it good enough to be satisfied in blaming it on somebody else?
At what point will we be forced to chose to either return to the power of brotherhood and peace, or to be manufactures of the destruction of this beautiful Universe that God has given us as a gift, to cherish as we should ourselves.
There is no time to be lost waiting for me, for the greatest gift of all is the power of the now, and that's why it is called The Present.
Do you dream to live
or do you live to dream -
have your dreams
or they will have you!
Zontius
Re: Healing myself - a stuggle between Good and Evil
Zontius, and everyone else reading this,
Thank you very much for putting your thoughts 'on-line'. I fully agree with the essence of these thoughts, as you probably already might know.
Please allow me to add:
- Take positive action on negative emotions, it will turn problems into Challenges...
I think that is what it is all about, the essence of the speech of Asana Viebeke L, the essence of Balinese Hinduism. The eternal struggle between Good and Evil, Barong and Rangda, Sekala and Niskala.
It is also the essence, in my eyes, of Roy's attempt to discuss this on BTF, and the way this discussion developed was an extremely good example of this struggle. It did not make Roy 'a bad Hindu' at all, it merely showed how hard this (internal) struggle can be. This struggle always is an internal one!
As I wrote before, the only place where one can be a Balinese Hindu, is inside oneself, in one's Inner World.
Without controlling the internal struggle between Good and Evil, the external struggle (Peace for all) is doomed to fail.
Look at the reactions of people on the forums. They ridicule the Cleansing Ceremonies, shouting words like 'heathens', 'absolute bullsh*t', 'a religious, meaningless and fruitless excercise', 'it will not defeat terrorism', etc.
Exactly Roy's point: people just do not get it, what Balinese Hinduism is about!
The ceremonies (Upacara Yadnya) are just there, actually, to remind people of Tatwa and Susila, the meditation part, the cleansing of ones Inner World.
A troubled Niskala never can 'produce' a better Sekala!
So "let's Dream our Lives and let's Live our Dreams"
- and indeed: The Time Is Always Now - we cannot afford to loose any.
OM santi santi santi OM
zontius said:Take action on a negative emotion, and expect a negative result.
Take no action and the results will be out of your control.
Positive action on positve emotions produce positive results.
So yes I have a good face and a bad face
the good face is so busy now there is hardly time for the bad one.
Facing the problem. Assuming I do not tackle my problem whilst in a negative emotional state about it [ for example by cooling down/ centering myself through meditation,] I proceed by choosing three possible solutions, then again choosing the best sounding one, and act as quickly as possible on it. The more decisions I make, the easier it becomes to chose good ones.
Sometimes it's simply easier to follow what excites you the most for that's truly who you are,
Or does all this only happen to me? After all I am Lemurian, trying to get my head around the concept of the choices we have in life. and the consequences of not handling our lives in the manner that our God intended. Do we just hang around watching as the cause and effect of so much hatred, intolerance, jealousy, corruption and destruction sweeps back on us in a tide of retribution for our behaviour towards this planet and the brothers and sisters we share the same sky, the same water, the same soil with. Is it good enough to be satisfied in blaming it on somebody else?
At what point will we be forced to chose to either return to the power of brotherhood and peace, or to be manufactures of the destruction of this beautiful Universe that God has given us as a gift, to cherish as we should ourselves.
There is no time to be lost waiting for me, for the greatest gift of all is the power of the now, and that's why it is called The Present.
Do you dream to live
or do you live to dream -
have your dreams
or they will have you!
Zontius
Zontius, and everyone else reading this,
Thank you very much for putting your thoughts 'on-line'. I fully agree with the essence of these thoughts, as you probably already might know.
Please allow me to add:
- Take positive action on negative emotions, it will turn problems into Challenges...
I think that is what it is all about, the essence of the speech of Asana Viebeke L, the essence of Balinese Hinduism. The eternal struggle between Good and Evil, Barong and Rangda, Sekala and Niskala.
It is also the essence, in my eyes, of Roy's attempt to discuss this on BTF, and the way this discussion developed was an extremely good example of this struggle. It did not make Roy 'a bad Hindu' at all, it merely showed how hard this (internal) struggle can be. This struggle always is an internal one!
As I wrote before, the only place where one can be a Balinese Hindu, is inside oneself, in one's Inner World.
Without controlling the internal struggle between Good and Evil, the external struggle (Peace for all) is doomed to fail.
Look at the reactions of people on the forums. They ridicule the Cleansing Ceremonies, shouting words like 'heathens', 'absolute bullsh*t', 'a religious, meaningless and fruitless excercise', 'it will not defeat terrorism', etc.
Exactly Roy's point: people just do not get it, what Balinese Hinduism is about!
The ceremonies (Upacara Yadnya) are just there, actually, to remind people of Tatwa and Susila, the meditation part, the cleansing of ones Inner World.
A troubled Niskala never can 'produce' a better Sekala!
So "let's Dream our Lives and let's Live our Dreams"
- and indeed: The Time Is Always Now - we cannot afford to loose any.
OM santi santi santi OM
PLEASE
can we have more posts,if people feel a mind to do so..it would give us all (especially little ol, me to have the courage to reveal our/my inner self...) it needs to be told...it needs to be released....but how can ONE do it without the ues of the word"I"....as one has been criticised for doing "before"... tell me....
can we have more posts,if people feel a mind to do so..it would give us all (especially little ol, me to have the courage to reveal our/my inner self...) it needs to be told...it needs to be released....but how can ONE do it without the ues of the word"I"....as one has been criticised for doing "before"... tell me....
Wybe
I would just like to say hello to Wybe...welcome to this forum. It is different, sometimes slow but the contributers are clever,witty and of a higher plane than most mortals.Please feel free to enjoy its friendship and its offerings of wisdom and its sharing of grief and it's gift of understanding. Much love...Gloria....
I would just like to say hello to Wybe...welcome to this forum. It is different, sometimes slow but the contributers are clever,witty and of a higher plane than most mortals.Please feel free to enjoy its friendship and its offerings of wisdom and its sharing of grief and it's gift of understanding. Much love...Gloria....
Ringo
those people you correctly mentioned:
Look at the reactions of people on the forums. They ridicule the Cleansing Ceremonies, shouting words like 'heathens', 'absolute bullsh*t', 'a religious, meaningless and fruitless excercise', 'it will not defeat terrorism', etc.
don't belong to Bali, and have no part in Bali. A whisper of the wind in a Casuarina tree talks more then they ever could say.
those people you correctly mentioned:
Look at the reactions of people on the forums. They ridicule the Cleansing Ceremonies, shouting words like 'heathens', 'absolute bullsh*t', 'a religious, meaningless and fruitless excercise', 'it will not defeat terrorism', etc.
don't belong to Bali, and have no part in Bali. A whisper of the wind in a Casuarina tree talks more then they ever could say.
Cleansing Ceremony
While visiting the bomb site in Jalan Legian the other day,it started to rain and as the rain got heavier the flood swirled amid the rubble bringing the mud,eddying on it's way to the sea.. it was then that I realised,the final remains of the people lost could make their final journey onwards.The roofs and the widows of adjacent buildings were being washed by the torrents,the dust laid to rest....the site was clean and pure again ,the souls of our dear friends at last departed to a higher plane.I felt relieved and an inner sense of peace for those lost souls lifted my spirits. Thank you.....
While visiting the bomb site in Jalan Legian the other day,it started to rain and as the rain got heavier the flood swirled amid the rubble bringing the mud,eddying on it's way to the sea.. it was then that I realised,the final remains of the people lost could make their final journey onwards.The roofs and the widows of adjacent buildings were being washed by the torrents,the dust laid to rest....the site was clean and pure again ,the souls of our dear friends at last departed to a higher plane.I felt relieved and an inner sense of peace for those lost souls lifted my spirits. Thank you.....
Post Bomb Illnesses
Having received a couple of phone calls from other volunteers who attended the bomb site and victims in hospital,I'm wondering if anyone else has been experiencing the same reactions.Now seems to be the time when thoughts of the horrifying experience come to the fore and cause all sorts of disturbances....nightmares...sleeplessness...grief...depression and minor physical ailments.Many have reported sore eyes and throat and skin rashes....Can anyone tell me if these symptoms could be related to the effects of the explosion....e.g. chemical reactions.....I do understand the psychological effects and these will take time to heal but I would like to know what others thoughts are about the physical reactions. Please post here if you have any ideas....Thank you ...Gloria...
Having received a couple of phone calls from other volunteers who attended the bomb site and victims in hospital,I'm wondering if anyone else has been experiencing the same reactions.Now seems to be the time when thoughts of the horrifying experience come to the fore and cause all sorts of disturbances....nightmares...sleeplessness...grief...depression and minor physical ailments.Many have reported sore eyes and throat and skin rashes....Can anyone tell me if these symptoms could be related to the effects of the explosion....e.g. chemical reactions.....I do understand the psychological effects and these will take time to heal but I would like to know what others thoughts are about the physical reactions. Please post here if you have any ideas....Thank you ...Gloria...
Of course Gloria
traumatic experiences will always leave a mark on general health, albeit almost always only temporarily. Each human body reacts every differently to 'happenings' in the brain, and there are numerous symptoms accompanying post-trauma. Many of those symptoms are those which you describe.
Skin reactions may of course also occur on people who have been close to that environment, esp. sore eyes and skin rashes. BUT again such symptoms can also have other viral causes - very very hard to say without looking at the patient.
traumatic experiences will always leave a mark on general health, albeit almost always only temporarily. Each human body reacts every differently to 'happenings' in the brain, and there are numerous symptoms accompanying post-trauma. Many of those symptoms are those which you describe.
Skin reactions may of course also occur on people who have been close to that environment, esp. sore eyes and skin rashes. BUT again such symptoms can also have other viral causes - very very hard to say without looking at the patient.