Hi everybody!
This is my first post, so hopefully everything goes smoothly. I have viewed this forum for quite a while but never got around to registering, I have a bit more free time on my hands now so here goes.
Firstly, I wish to thank everybody who contributes to this forum. I have read with great interest the issues and stories discussed and hope that some of the great wisdom you people possess can be shared with me, as an often confused but willing and eager young man trying to understand the world around me and in particular the Bali I love and hold close to my heart. My story might be long winded and probably one you have heard before, but I need to get it of my chest and also seek some advice about where to go from here.
At the grand old age of 25, I have been a visitor to Bali 12 times, though the purposes of my visits have morphed greatly over the years. Mt first trip was when I was 12 on a family holiday and indeed was my first overseas experience. My family, including me, loved the place and subsequently visited every few years as my parents could afford it. During my university years I was fortunate enough to take part in a study trip that took us thru Java and Bali and I spent some time learning about aquaculture at the Gondol Fisheries research facility (I am a marine biologist). This trip introduced me to such places as the Sari Club and Paddy's pub and subsequent trips were the usual 'party and shop til u drop affair that most Aussies are familiar with.
After not having visited Bali for a few years, February last year saw me returning with a couple of friends for the standard bali tourism itinerary. I made friends with a girl who was working in a restaurant, Wayan (i think its probably anonymous enough to use Wayan?) and by the end of the trip we agreed to keep in touch by email, though nothing serious was implied by either of us, I guess it was just the typically obliging friendliness of the Balinese people, it is never hard to get somebodys email or handphone number.
July saw me pining for overseas travel again and I decided to go back to Singapore, where I had stopped for a night the year before en route to Europe. I decided that I would come home via Bali and stay for 3 weeks, catching up with the people I had met a few months before, especially Wayan, who had regimentally stayed in contact with me, always replying to emails and creating just as many as my own.
That trip was a real eye opener for me. It was the first trip I had made truly by myself, without the distraction of friends and family and I immediately started to discover another side to Bali that I had always appreciated but never truly investigated. I found myself actually shunning and avoiding contact with western people, prefering instead to sit in the shade of a warung with Wayan and a cup of kopi bali down various little visited gangs and talking about life in general. When Wayan was working, I would spend all my time sitting in her restaurant, talking to her when she wasn't busy, when she wasn't working we would eat in a warung, hang out in malls all over the place or just stay inside my hotel room and enjoy each others company. By the end of this trip we were pretty much what you'ld call a couple, much to the discust of many of her co workers, who started a lot of innuendo and slander about her, but she is a strong woman and initially it didnt seem to bother her.
Two months later and I fulfilled my promise and returned to see her. Things pretty much ran the same as the last visit, though our relationship intensified and was the first time we became intimate with each other. Our time together was running smoothly however it was becoming increasingly apparent to me that the attitudes of her co workers was changing. Many of them were shunning her and giving her a real hard time with name calling (taunts of 'whore' etc were common, despite there being almost no economic benefit to being involved with me). Often she would come to me after work in a real state of tears and I felt increasingly unwelcome at her restaurant (even though we had completely changed how she and I interacted at her workplace after some words of wisdom from my good (male) friend Nyoman, whom I love very much). We pretended that we weren't together at her work and in the end I stayed away all together.
Our relationship continued, I wanted to give her a holiday to Australia but that was impractical in the short term so I promised to come back as soon as I could. I called her from Perth every second day and we sms'ed sometimes 20 or 30 times every day. We talked about marriage candidly and openly and it seemed as though that was the way it was heading.
January this year I returned to my beautiful girl, with excitement in my heart and an engagement ring in my suitcase. The plan we had both 'dreamed about' was to go to Jogjakarta for a holiday (she had lost her job so was free, and had returned to her village) where I intended to pop the question after consulting with her father (who has always been friendly and hospitable, despite understanding limited english and me even less Indonesian).
Within 6 hours my world came crumbling down and we were both emotional train wrecks. Wayan was pregnant to another man, and married.
Wayan is not a drinker and had been invited to a party by some workmates. After getting stuck into a few 'strong' drinks some things led to another, I think u get the drift, (fueled further by unrelenting taunts about her relationship with me) even though I'm lead to believe this is uncommon for Balinese girls. It was only meant to be a 1 night stand, but soon enough she discovered she was pregnant and her father insisted that she be married. To his credit, the man involved agreed to take responsibility for his actions and marry her. All the investigating I have made with very well trusted friends into what happened stacks up and the possibility of a two timing girlfriend died very early on in the piece.
Maybe thinking to much with my heart instead of my head, I forgave her very quickly and our time together last trip was much the same as the previous trip, despite her now having a rather disinterested husband. We spent almost every minute together and did the usual things, though I could tell the strong and resolute spirit within her had been broken. While she felt blessed and was excited about being a mother, the circumstances were not what she had dreamt about, nor her husband, whom she really barely knew and was not comfortable with.
Now this leads me to the questions I have been stewing over for months now. I realise Balinese obligation controls a lot of her (and my) destiny and I wouldn't want it any other way, though I am struggling to understand fully, especially seeing as I was unable to discuss a lot about the situation with Balinese friends last trip to maintain face for both her and myself. We still behave like we always did, maintain contact like we always did, But is there really any chance of us being able to spend our lives together like I had dreamed of? I am more than happy to do what ever it takes and my commitment is as strong as ever, to both her and the little boy that was born 3 weeks ago, but what problems do I face? Is it possible for her to get a divorce that would see her maintain custody of her child, or is there ways of encouraging her husband to let her go and still maintain contact with the child?
The boy is bound to his fathers family temple and Wayan is bound to her little boy. These bonds are and should be stronger than mine to Wayan but is there any hope for us? I'ts hard just to walk away.
Regards
Adam
This is my first post, so hopefully everything goes smoothly. I have viewed this forum for quite a while but never got around to registering, I have a bit more free time on my hands now so here goes.
Firstly, I wish to thank everybody who contributes to this forum. I have read with great interest the issues and stories discussed and hope that some of the great wisdom you people possess can be shared with me, as an often confused but willing and eager young man trying to understand the world around me and in particular the Bali I love and hold close to my heart. My story might be long winded and probably one you have heard before, but I need to get it of my chest and also seek some advice about where to go from here.
At the grand old age of 25, I have been a visitor to Bali 12 times, though the purposes of my visits have morphed greatly over the years. Mt first trip was when I was 12 on a family holiday and indeed was my first overseas experience. My family, including me, loved the place and subsequently visited every few years as my parents could afford it. During my university years I was fortunate enough to take part in a study trip that took us thru Java and Bali and I spent some time learning about aquaculture at the Gondol Fisheries research facility (I am a marine biologist). This trip introduced me to such places as the Sari Club and Paddy's pub and subsequent trips were the usual 'party and shop til u drop affair that most Aussies are familiar with.
After not having visited Bali for a few years, February last year saw me returning with a couple of friends for the standard bali tourism itinerary. I made friends with a girl who was working in a restaurant, Wayan (i think its probably anonymous enough to use Wayan?) and by the end of the trip we agreed to keep in touch by email, though nothing serious was implied by either of us, I guess it was just the typically obliging friendliness of the Balinese people, it is never hard to get somebodys email or handphone number.
July saw me pining for overseas travel again and I decided to go back to Singapore, where I had stopped for a night the year before en route to Europe. I decided that I would come home via Bali and stay for 3 weeks, catching up with the people I had met a few months before, especially Wayan, who had regimentally stayed in contact with me, always replying to emails and creating just as many as my own.
That trip was a real eye opener for me. It was the first trip I had made truly by myself, without the distraction of friends and family and I immediately started to discover another side to Bali that I had always appreciated but never truly investigated. I found myself actually shunning and avoiding contact with western people, prefering instead to sit in the shade of a warung with Wayan and a cup of kopi bali down various little visited gangs and talking about life in general. When Wayan was working, I would spend all my time sitting in her restaurant, talking to her when she wasn't busy, when she wasn't working we would eat in a warung, hang out in malls all over the place or just stay inside my hotel room and enjoy each others company. By the end of this trip we were pretty much what you'ld call a couple, much to the discust of many of her co workers, who started a lot of innuendo and slander about her, but she is a strong woman and initially it didnt seem to bother her.
Two months later and I fulfilled my promise and returned to see her. Things pretty much ran the same as the last visit, though our relationship intensified and was the first time we became intimate with each other. Our time together was running smoothly however it was becoming increasingly apparent to me that the attitudes of her co workers was changing. Many of them were shunning her and giving her a real hard time with name calling (taunts of 'whore' etc were common, despite there being almost no economic benefit to being involved with me). Often she would come to me after work in a real state of tears and I felt increasingly unwelcome at her restaurant (even though we had completely changed how she and I interacted at her workplace after some words of wisdom from my good (male) friend Nyoman, whom I love very much). We pretended that we weren't together at her work and in the end I stayed away all together.
Our relationship continued, I wanted to give her a holiday to Australia but that was impractical in the short term so I promised to come back as soon as I could. I called her from Perth every second day and we sms'ed sometimes 20 or 30 times every day. We talked about marriage candidly and openly and it seemed as though that was the way it was heading.
January this year I returned to my beautiful girl, with excitement in my heart and an engagement ring in my suitcase. The plan we had both 'dreamed about' was to go to Jogjakarta for a holiday (she had lost her job so was free, and had returned to her village) where I intended to pop the question after consulting with her father (who has always been friendly and hospitable, despite understanding limited english and me even less Indonesian).
Within 6 hours my world came crumbling down and we were both emotional train wrecks. Wayan was pregnant to another man, and married.
Wayan is not a drinker and had been invited to a party by some workmates. After getting stuck into a few 'strong' drinks some things led to another, I think u get the drift, (fueled further by unrelenting taunts about her relationship with me) even though I'm lead to believe this is uncommon for Balinese girls. It was only meant to be a 1 night stand, but soon enough she discovered she was pregnant and her father insisted that she be married. To his credit, the man involved agreed to take responsibility for his actions and marry her. All the investigating I have made with very well trusted friends into what happened stacks up and the possibility of a two timing girlfriend died very early on in the piece.
Maybe thinking to much with my heart instead of my head, I forgave her very quickly and our time together last trip was much the same as the previous trip, despite her now having a rather disinterested husband. We spent almost every minute together and did the usual things, though I could tell the strong and resolute spirit within her had been broken. While she felt blessed and was excited about being a mother, the circumstances were not what she had dreamt about, nor her husband, whom she really barely knew and was not comfortable with.
Now this leads me to the questions I have been stewing over for months now. I realise Balinese obligation controls a lot of her (and my) destiny and I wouldn't want it any other way, though I am struggling to understand fully, especially seeing as I was unable to discuss a lot about the situation with Balinese friends last trip to maintain face for both her and myself. We still behave like we always did, maintain contact like we always did, But is there really any chance of us being able to spend our lives together like I had dreamed of? I am more than happy to do what ever it takes and my commitment is as strong as ever, to both her and the little boy that was born 3 weeks ago, but what problems do I face? Is it possible for her to get a divorce that would see her maintain custody of her child, or is there ways of encouraging her husband to let her go and still maintain contact with the child?
The boy is bound to his fathers family temple and Wayan is bound to her little boy. These bonds are and should be stronger than mine to Wayan but is there any hope for us? I'ts hard just to walk away.
Regards
Adam
