Bert Vierstra
The last time I held the kid of Dewi, it somehow felt dirty, while it actually was nothing more than a clean baby. Dirty. I wanted to drop it on the spot. I couldn't get me to give the kisses I gave the baby before, dirty. After I gave the baby to the pembantu, the baby and I looked at each other. It somehow looked as if the baby expected something from me. And while it moved its hand, I sort of assumed it would move in the gimme position. It was like I heard the the baby say "Punya Uang?".I went back to my office, but I could not hold back anymore. I ran out an started to shout to Dewi, about why she had to destroy 7 years of an already not easy life together with giving birth to her boyfriends baby, and a lot of other more nasty things.-----The last year, with the pregnancy and all, there where moments of real happiness. Feeling and seeing the baby grow, going to the doctor, buying baby clothes, strollers etc.Although I hoped for so much more from Dewi after she finished university (someone said it was courageous to send her out to all those hormoned up boys there, ok, something went wrong but we got over it, sort of) but she remained "lazy" and was rather singing karaoke songs then helping with the business. This pregnancy would give meaning to her, and specially our life.Already during the pregnancy I had a strange feeling now and then. It was as if Dewi in her behavior wanted to make clear it was a bule bay in her belly, by telling that she now more enjoyed the AC and western food as before, it was just a bit overdone. But hee. She is Balinese and a bit superstitious and such...Strangely I felt not happy during and after the birth. Actually seeing her sister giving birth brought me almost in heaven, but this, it just happened. I was happy to see Dewi with the baby, but I really had to do my best to be happy. Besides the usual worries a father has about the future, there was "something else". After a while people started telling me how much the baby looked like me, and my God, yes it did seem a bit like I remember my own baby pictures.I tried to get the idea that the baby was not mine out of my head. I felt guilty for not trusting Dewi.But mile after mile on my mountainbike trips the thoughts came back, they popped up again and again. Fantasies arose of a life without Dewi, a new free life somewhere else, if the baby was not mine. Sometimes I prayed the baby was not mine and dreamed of month long trips over the ocean without worries. No more worries about babies, the future and all those kids along the road during my bicycle trips saying "hello sir" and asking for money. I dreamed of places where I just could blend in and be a nobody. Place with no expat forums or people who want to buy houses, people "getting to know Bali"I had to get out of these debilitating thought patterns. So I looked for a paternity DNA test on the internet. Plenty. I picked a Dutch company what turned out to be US based anyway. I still had some sterile swabs for cleaning my camera and while I was alone with the baby I snatched her DNA. She cried a bit. Took my own DNA, and drove to DHL in Tuban to send it in. Eight long days before the email would arrive.In those eight days I convinced myself more an more that I was a fool, we made a lot of love during the estimated date of conception, how can I be so paranoid? Of course it takes some time before you recognize something of a bule in the baby... And all those people saying I looked so much like the baby...When the test arrived, I was fully convinced it would show I was the father.NOT.Anger, sadness shaking, I rushed to Dewi.We did another test, including Dewi's DNA. Same, me no pappa.Only the people who didn't know yet, still said the baby looked so much like me. Awkward situations.In the beginning I could hold, but I degraded, slowly broke apart. It would have been nice to talk about it, but Dewi (or others) would not talk about the truth. That's not the way the Balinese are. Harmony is more important.That's the end. Bali has won from me. There is probably a lot to philosophize about what happened, and this story is to short to illuminate all aspects.But my heart is broken, my tie with Bali is broken. After months of doubts, I will need months to recover, but not here. I am waiting in a Hotel after taking what I wanted from home, burning a bit, until I can arrange some things, and then, back home, to a new start.Just got a text message from Dewi's brother (18-19), which is somewhat typical.Thanks, Bli Gde for the help you gave for school. But now your are gone, I cannot go to school anymore.These messages feel like a kick in the back. Selfish bastard. I should have called him "Punya Uang", most likely his first words to me.Yes, the fully adjusted to the Bali way, would probably smiled and raised the kid, like nothing happened. Bali is full of "situations" like that.Not me. I feel sick to the bone. I am not suitable for Bali. Don't worry, Bali is still paradise, but sometimes you get handed a slice you can't handle.
bolli
Bert, I wish you well in all your future contemplations and actions.You are a good man, look forward to a good life wherever that may be.Time does heal.
mimpimanis
Wishing you peace and happiness in the future, Bert.
lumumba
Hi Bert,all I had to tell you I did in my PM.All the best for your future, I am sure it will be OK.Let us know when you are leaving. :cry: RegardsL.
calitobali
Sorry to hear about the circumstances. Hopefully once time heals things, you will be able to remember the things that you liked and enjoyed about Bali, and move on past the negative memories, however hard that must be. Can't blame you though for wanting to get out and not have to continue with the web based things, typing the words Bali everyday would probably be counterproductive to moving past it.I hope everything works out for you in the end, and thank you for all your hard work on this forum, as it has helped me and many other people so much.
gilbert de jong
You being able to talk or write about such an event which has alot of influence on your future life in this forum...is for me a sign that you will be ok. Me personally, if something like that would happen to me, I couldn't leave Bali for another 10 to 20 years, if you catch my drift...I commend you on your zelfbeheersing (couldn't find the English word for it).Take care, and stay strong, friendly greetings....Gilbert.
mat
Just want to say, thankyou Bert for all your help and your informative postings.I wish you health, happiness and luck for the future.
Thorsten
Sorry Bert,very sorry to hear this, but it can happen everyhwhere - would you leave Holland when it happened there?Putu Verena? She's innocent - so no need to project any disapointment on her.Take good care mate Thorsten
Lou
Hope there is happiness over the horizon Bert - it has shimmered at times for you here only to turn out an illusion. Wish we had managed to meet as you are obviously a good and decent guy. Farewell and take care.
Markit
Ok so you didn't inherit the family bicycle shop in Amsterdam like I thought but you do have a beautiful Balinese wife and lets be honest if we all used those DNA kits I reckon the results would be a shock to about half of us (the men!). What is Bill Shakespeare sat "it's a wise child that knows his father". What real difference does the chemistry make? I always figured the best part of being a father is being able to shape that new person to be a good and understanding adult and enjoying the development towards that target.If it was me I'd stop and have a good think about it before packing all the backs.
DorisDazed
Words fail me, [b]Bert[/b], but a few still spring to mind:[i]Terrible, disgusting, dreadful, pain and sadness.[/i]Like [b]Thorsten[/b] said, it [i]could[/i] happen anywhere. I think it happens [b]too[/b] much in Bali.I e-mailed you privately. Hope you get it.Our thoughts are with you...Hope your next adventure turns out better. :shock:
noodles
Sorry to hear it, BertThe baby is innocent...as per the DNA test, Dewi would unfaithful to you technically, but what she had in her mind and were thinking about? Do you have real face to face talk with her abt this embarrassed topic before you decided leave Bali? As a pretty young women, maybe she know nothing abt family stability and responsibility of family members to each other...think about happiness only. Most of the marriages that fail, cos couple are losing their confidence in marriage.Leave Bali - this is meant to save you in a fight-or-flight situation, but once she was a true love for your, you know how you are going to make it or want to give up. Just calm down a bit. Don't make any quick decisions and only later to profoundly regret in the corner of the earth.In other hand, Personally, Your heart will be going to feel better when new romance beginning...Be strong! Take Good Care and Best wish happiness in ur near future!
over-it
awful betrayal, and i dont buy the whole"well they are just Balinese" business. Still a beliver in universal maxims. I wish you all the best. This will take time to heal but trust me one day you will be able to look back and chuckle, problem is you prolly wont be able to love or trust, for a long time to come...but it will happen, you will open to life's mystery again, eventually.From one that has been there, you have my prayers
Kadek
Dear Bert,I am sorry to hear what had happened to you. The shock and disappointment that you felt must be great and I can understand your decision of wanting to find peace and time to heal in another place. I wish you well for the future and may the hurt and pain you feel be healed with time. Betrayal is always difficult to accept and forgive.I hope that in time you can stop associating Bali with this betrayal and the pain you experienced. Take care and Best WishesKadek
Bert Vierstra
I am sorry to have given the impression that I blame Bali on what has happened.I don't, and I am not going to be one of those ex-expats complaining ever after.Bali is and remains a beautiful island, and for people with the right attitude it has great opportunities.My period on Bali will be the best thing ever happened to me, and the last days I often cry when I remember what I have experienced here.I have a lot to blame myself for, and unfortunately being who I am / was this was not to be avoided. But I learned a great deal, and hope to make use of it in order to improve myself.Dewi is who she is, and did what she did. If I would have given her more of what she needed, things may have been different, I am not without fault. Yet she is a tough cookie too, and may look quite different when "we" don't see.I will take Bali with me, not only in my heart, but also in gigabytes of pictures and movies, no doubt I will shed many a tear in later life.And who knows about the future?Thanks for all the kind word from everyone, here and via PM.
Jimbo
BertMy heart goes out to you. I remember some time ago when you thought Dewi had been unfaithful and you forgave her. What can I say in that I hope the future is better for you than the past but I would ask you to reflect on leaving.Act in haste and repent at leisure springs to mind. Time is a great healer and it will give you peace in the end. Whatever decision you make many both in here and without wish you well.On a very selfish note I hope you will keep this forum going as many of us need it also....preferably with you in it.
Markit
Maybe you should ask Roy if he wants to buy it???? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Bert Vierstra
I am in the process of transferring ownership of the forum and related sites to another member, and one of the conditions is that things stay as they are, regarding "our content".Ofcourse things will be different with a new owner, but it will remain the expatforum.Can I finally take this 3 month freighter cruis without worrying about spam etc..
mimpimanis
Are we allowed to know who the new owner is ?
MiSO
It is a sad story, I am so sorry for you. I even cursed in Dutch, we have this perfect Dutch word with a perfect sound to express anger. The Gggg, Vvvv, Rrrrr, Mmmm... Stories like yours always make me sad, but above all mad. Mad like crazy.Bert, veel sterkte, wishing you strength. Take time for some healing you need to do.And thank you for this forum.Groetjes.
