Travels With(out) Barley (water, yeast, hops and malt, optional) Through East Java 2016
Indonesia being a Moslem country it can get pretty challenging to find a cold beer. That’s if you just go at it like you would in any other country: walk into shop, ask for beer, walk out disappointed and dry shaking head in wonder that in a country with an average temperature of 30C during any “normal” day and half the population running around in full body covering they’d think banning the only rational antidote to heat madness was a fecking great idea. I think this kind of typifies Indonesia to me, here’s how it really works: go into shop and ask for beer, focus on the eyes of male member in the group. When you hear the expected “Sorry, no have”, then ask the man with the silliest grin if he knows where to get some and how much. There will be an immediate long discussion about how much the “Bule” (foreigner) can reasonably be fleeced for and then a happy conclusion to the (crack deal-like?) search will be coming. Funny thing is that the Javanese have actually so little experience with the whole “beer” issue that the final price is often less that you’d pay in a legal shop in Bali.
First stop on our motorcycle trip of East Jawa is Banyuwangi port for those leaving from Bali (about 5 hours from East Bali) and of no particular interest except for their apparent world record attempt (I’m guessing) as city with the most new Mosque building sites. At the risk of being boring we still didn’t see one new hospital or school – sama sama as last trip to the volcanos Ijen and Raung. Same area.
Fecking quickly off from the above we headed to Red Island beach (Pantai Pulau Merah) probably one of the world’s most spectacular beaches (and clean – even dirty it would be pretty damned good) on the planet! The locals turn up in bus loads and pile out (the girls all in full body armor) for the sole purpose of taking innumerable selfies without even noticing just how beautiful it all is. Luckily they all stay within range of the local Pot Noodle sellers, because if you find yourself tired after the first 50 synchronized stupid jumps or gurning like a complete idiot in groups on one of planet Earth’s most stunning beauty spots then Pot Noodle is what you rush for. Youth isn’t wasted on the young, it’s just wasted.
At 6 in the morning walked down the beach 6 kilometers to local fish market to get breakfast Mahi mahi (IDR25k/kilo) fresh off the boat and, I kid you not, found 1 ONE, only, piece of plastic on the entire walk and saw 2 dogs (slightly worried looking). This to me proves those Balinese stories that all that plastic trash on the Bali beaches comes from Jawa are true – since on the Javanese beaches there isn’t any, clearo! Digs are limited in number but well priced and sufficient in quality and cleanliness and best of all only 50 meters from the beach. Beer was available but see above for directions on buying.
Heading off to adventures new it was planned to drive through the Meru Betiri Natial Park – forget it, roads in shocking state, more potholes than road. Pity because the forest is grand – more a collection of working orchards – teak/rubber/spices – cinnamon/etc. with great flowering trees bordering the road. I suspect the trucks servicing this industry are responsible for the shocking roads – Indonesia could really bloom if it pulled the finger out and made some decent infrastructure instead of banning beer.
GOT LOST – WITH GOOGLE MAPS HELP
Headed then up to Jember which is a surprisingly clean and wealthy modern city which we were unable to find any places to stay as, inconveniently, El Presidenty Jokowi had booked a visit the same night and not cleared it with us first. This necessitated a speedy emergency visit to Lumajang in the rain. Next day wanted to head up to Probolingo to see some great beach called Bentar Beach.
GOT LOST – WITH GOOGLE MAPS HELP (again)
Finally found the beach but we were so dried out we immediately fecked off and spent the rest of the afternoon fighting our way through huge crowds at the delayed celebrations of Indo Independence (Aug 17?!) to find the one pool hall that sold it for 50k A FECKING CAN@! We left Probolingo quickly vowing never to return – we were clearly the first white people most, if not all, had ever seen and so very, very popular, particularly amongst the fully armored ladies and girls. Every ****hole has it’s attractions… There’s something very endearing at 61 to casually turn to follow the undercarriage of a stunning young thing to see she’s turning to check out your sagging rig too. Life is fun.
After Probolingo the target was to go with the bikes over Bromo Volcano by road but with no plans to actually walk into the Caldera, me having had that fun on Ijen a few months ago. So imagine our surprise that the road over actually goes right through the sandy Caldera and if you want you can go look into the abyss – didn’t bother but you could. Also to anyone following this – if you tell them at the entrance you aren’t interested in the Volcano but just want to get from Probolingo to the Malang then you get in free. Worth the visit even if you have to pay.
Malang is a great city, don’t care where you’re from. Lots to do, clean and modern with some spectacular restos and warung there – even some beer! If you go to Malang reserve a couple of days for the suburb Batu to the West – lots to see and do with a very Disneyesque feel – no beer that we could find, but didn’t look too hard. Wonderful (not!) calls to prayer all over the Jawa island but here the loudest at 4am every day. As a personal thought: I think the entire middle east problems could be resolved if they would just ban these early morning wake up calls – there isn’t really any Jihad, it’s all just sleep deprivation making all these people miserable.
Next stop was Pulau Sempu in the South with a trip to the 3 Colored Beach (Pantai Tiga Warna) which is a nature reserve and beach for those (yummy) sea turtles that we should all protect so some shark can eat them. We got to show all our water bottles to be counted and were asked if we had any smokers in the group (2) and then marched off with our guide carrying a bamboo container around his neck to the beach a good ¾ hour trek away. Of course like all seasoned travelers we chose to do this in the hottest part of the day. You guessed it: beach no beer. The usual crowd of body armored, gurning, Pot Noodlers doing idiotic selfies met at beach all screaming with the fun of drowning. Since most can’t swim but a snorkel and floatation vest are part of the entrance price so THEY WILL BE USED! You have not lived until you watch a young religious girl that has never swum a stroke try and snorkel while keeping her Jilbab, camera/phone and pot noodles all dry. Upon leaving we finally discovered what the container around the neck of our guide was for: he picked up all the cigarette butts from my travel buds – a walking ashtray!
Beach was mediocre and snorkeling disappointing – don’t bother unless you want to eat a smuggled turtle. I think the other beaches along there might be better from a Beachy point of view – Pantai Goa Cina, for instance.
We then wanted to head back via the southern route past Jember over the part we’d missed by going north to Probolingo but
GOT LOST – WITH GOOGLE MAPS HELP (again).
That’s it really for this trip – we just headed home for some of the best well-deserved bbq pork ribs and ice cold beer on Bali at Warung Lina in Lovina – from Malang about 9 hours (500km) with 2 hour ferry included, then mildly drunk 1 ½ hours more to East Bali and home. Don't depend upon Google Maps unless you want to see places you don't want to see.
Indonesia being a Moslem country it can get pretty challenging to find a cold beer. That’s if you just go at it like you would in any other country: walk into shop, ask for beer, walk out disappointed and dry shaking head in wonder that in a country with an average temperature of 30C during any “normal” day and half the population running around in full body covering they’d think banning the only rational antidote to heat madness was a fecking great idea. I think this kind of typifies Indonesia to me, here’s how it really works: go into shop and ask for beer, focus on the eyes of male member in the group. When you hear the expected “Sorry, no have”, then ask the man with the silliest grin if he knows where to get some and how much. There will be an immediate long discussion about how much the “Bule” (foreigner) can reasonably be fleeced for and then a happy conclusion to the (crack deal-like?) search will be coming. Funny thing is that the Javanese have actually so little experience with the whole “beer” issue that the final price is often less that you’d pay in a legal shop in Bali.
First stop on our motorcycle trip of East Jawa is Banyuwangi port for those leaving from Bali (about 5 hours from East Bali) and of no particular interest except for their apparent world record attempt (I’m guessing) as city with the most new Mosque building sites. At the risk of being boring we still didn’t see one new hospital or school – sama sama as last trip to the volcanos Ijen and Raung. Same area.
Fecking quickly off from the above we headed to Red Island beach (Pantai Pulau Merah) probably one of the world’s most spectacular beaches (and clean – even dirty it would be pretty damned good) on the planet! The locals turn up in bus loads and pile out (the girls all in full body armor) for the sole purpose of taking innumerable selfies without even noticing just how beautiful it all is. Luckily they all stay within range of the local Pot Noodle sellers, because if you find yourself tired after the first 50 synchronized stupid jumps or gurning like a complete idiot in groups on one of planet Earth’s most stunning beauty spots then Pot Noodle is what you rush for. Youth isn’t wasted on the young, it’s just wasted.
At 6 in the morning walked down the beach 6 kilometers to local fish market to get breakfast Mahi mahi (IDR25k/kilo) fresh off the boat and, I kid you not, found 1 ONE, only, piece of plastic on the entire walk and saw 2 dogs (slightly worried looking). This to me proves those Balinese stories that all that plastic trash on the Bali beaches comes from Jawa are true – since on the Javanese beaches there isn’t any, clearo! Digs are limited in number but well priced and sufficient in quality and cleanliness and best of all only 50 meters from the beach. Beer was available but see above for directions on buying.
Heading off to adventures new it was planned to drive through the Meru Betiri Natial Park – forget it, roads in shocking state, more potholes than road. Pity because the forest is grand – more a collection of working orchards – teak/rubber/spices – cinnamon/etc. with great flowering trees bordering the road. I suspect the trucks servicing this industry are responsible for the shocking roads – Indonesia could really bloom if it pulled the finger out and made some decent infrastructure instead of banning beer.
GOT LOST – WITH GOOGLE MAPS HELP
Headed then up to Jember which is a surprisingly clean and wealthy modern city which we were unable to find any places to stay as, inconveniently, El Presidenty Jokowi had booked a visit the same night and not cleared it with us first. This necessitated a speedy emergency visit to Lumajang in the rain. Next day wanted to head up to Probolingo to see some great beach called Bentar Beach.
GOT LOST – WITH GOOGLE MAPS HELP (again)
Finally found the beach but we were so dried out we immediately fecked off and spent the rest of the afternoon fighting our way through huge crowds at the delayed celebrations of Indo Independence (Aug 17?!) to find the one pool hall that sold it for 50k A FECKING CAN@! We left Probolingo quickly vowing never to return – we were clearly the first white people most, if not all, had ever seen and so very, very popular, particularly amongst the fully armored ladies and girls. Every ****hole has it’s attractions… There’s something very endearing at 61 to casually turn to follow the undercarriage of a stunning young thing to see she’s turning to check out your sagging rig too. Life is fun.
After Probolingo the target was to go with the bikes over Bromo Volcano by road but with no plans to actually walk into the Caldera, me having had that fun on Ijen a few months ago. So imagine our surprise that the road over actually goes right through the sandy Caldera and if you want you can go look into the abyss – didn’t bother but you could. Also to anyone following this – if you tell them at the entrance you aren’t interested in the Volcano but just want to get from Probolingo to the Malang then you get in free. Worth the visit even if you have to pay.
Malang is a great city, don’t care where you’re from. Lots to do, clean and modern with some spectacular restos and warung there – even some beer! If you go to Malang reserve a couple of days for the suburb Batu to the West – lots to see and do with a very Disneyesque feel – no beer that we could find, but didn’t look too hard. Wonderful (not!) calls to prayer all over the Jawa island but here the loudest at 4am every day. As a personal thought: I think the entire middle east problems could be resolved if they would just ban these early morning wake up calls – there isn’t really any Jihad, it’s all just sleep deprivation making all these people miserable.
Next stop was Pulau Sempu in the South with a trip to the 3 Colored Beach (Pantai Tiga Warna) which is a nature reserve and beach for those (yummy) sea turtles that we should all protect so some shark can eat them. We got to show all our water bottles to be counted and were asked if we had any smokers in the group (2) and then marched off with our guide carrying a bamboo container around his neck to the beach a good ¾ hour trek away. Of course like all seasoned travelers we chose to do this in the hottest part of the day. You guessed it: beach no beer. The usual crowd of body armored, gurning, Pot Noodlers doing idiotic selfies met at beach all screaming with the fun of drowning. Since most can’t swim but a snorkel and floatation vest are part of the entrance price so THEY WILL BE USED! You have not lived until you watch a young religious girl that has never swum a stroke try and snorkel while keeping her Jilbab, camera/phone and pot noodles all dry. Upon leaving we finally discovered what the container around the neck of our guide was for: he picked up all the cigarette butts from my travel buds – a walking ashtray!
Beach was mediocre and snorkeling disappointing – don’t bother unless you want to eat a smuggled turtle. I think the other beaches along there might be better from a Beachy point of view – Pantai Goa Cina, for instance.
We then wanted to head back via the southern route past Jember over the part we’d missed by going north to Probolingo but
GOT LOST – WITH GOOGLE MAPS HELP (again).
That’s it really for this trip – we just headed home for some of the best well-deserved bbq pork ribs and ice cold beer on Bali at Warung Lina in Lovina – from Malang about 9 hours (500km) with 2 hour ferry included, then mildly drunk 1 ½ hours more to East Bali and home. Don't depend upon Google Maps unless you want to see places you don't want to see.
