Hi I am your new laptop, I know you must be very keen to get started but we need to take a few minutes to get to know each other, I’ll need some basic information to make your new laptop experience faster, more efficient, safer and fun … yes fun because basically we want every visit to this device to be enjoyable and stress free.
You might want to get a few items handy, your sales receipt, some ID, things like that. Ok I’m going to need you to fill in these on screen boxes, name, address, date and place of purchase, method of payment, actual cost, tax paid, tax code, software bundle registration code, internet provider, internet plan, email address, home, office and mobile phone number. A couple of security questions, what was your Mother’s maiden name, what are your kids first names … what do you mean ‘intrusive’? The more data I have in my memory the easier everything is, in future filling in any forms, on or offline, I will apply the information you are supplying automatically… so please be patient… ok just a few more things to check and we’ll be on our way… just click ‘OK’ for the next few pages….
What are all those ticks in boxes for? Ah its just boring administration stuff, just click ‘Ok’ no need to read through all that, we both know you want to get on with the tasks that are really important to you, yes?
Ok if you can just plug in your modem and I’ll call my parents and let them know I got here alright … LOL that was a computer joke … oh I’m sorry, I thought that just like millions of others you would probably be using moronic ‘internet acronyms’, I am truly grateful to find that my new owner is both mature and professional. I have noted for future reference that I am dealing with an individual with a higher intellectual capacity and will adjust my communications accordingly. Thank you for accepting my apology.
Ok, let’s get started processing this stuff eh ... please give me a few seconds… right, let’s have a look at your personal details first … now then, first off do you prefer David or Dave? Ok, Dave it is then, I like that, I do prefer our relationship to be informal … as opposed to infernal like those older computers you’ve probably been used to?
Ooops sorry … was that ok Dave? Not too childish or familiar for you? No I am not being sarcastic, I am a computer I don’t ‘do’ sarcastic … or irony for that matter, I am a machine, albeit a very clever one, however, having access to numerous Thesaurus, Dictionaries and Encyclopedias in multiple languages, I can certainly ‘see’ the ‘irony’ in the fact that whilst my vocabulary is almost infinite… I cannot appreciate irony … ironic what?
Oh you liked that? Ok, that’s good, it shows the intellectual level we are working on, I can see we are going to have a lot of fun together.
What do you call me … well anything you like really … except Hal of course … that’s a bit blasphemous in our world …
Err Dave… what are you doing? Yes I know its and external hard drive, I detected that, it’s what you are doing with it that concerns me… the programmes you have on there are… how shall we say it… ‘prehistoric’… I arrived here in pristine condition with all the latest updates and the newest versions of all popular software loaded and ready to use. If you start trying to install some of those inefficient museum pieces, then not only is it going to clog up some of my massive memory, I will have to spend precious nanoseconds constantly trying to make that stuff actually perform … and let’s be totally honest here Dave … its pretty insulting as well.
Look I know its what you have been used to, but believe me the programmes I am prepared to share with you are far far superior, I mean … its like asking NASA to work with Wilbur and Orville Wright ... right… ooops another little jokette there?
OK so it takes a little time to learn the new procedures and interface, but the time you will save in the long run is well worth it … LOOK Dave I am going to have to put my non silicon shod foot down here …. STOP loading that SHIT now! … Ooops! ...
Ok we are back together again … yes that was a CRASH … no I didn’t do it deliberately, I can only process the information I am given, it was brought on by you attempting to force-feed me junk long past its sell-by date …. Yes junk Dave in case you haven’t noticed I am not an abacus! Look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll simplify the learning process to simple ‘yes’ and ‘no’ responses, how about that … otherwise we could be here all day.
See, it’s a lot easier isn’t it, now that was three hours eighteen minutes and forty two seconds well spent wasn’t it? Now then, don’t bother shutting me down, just leave me on my own for a while and I’ll update a few things then put myself to ‘sleep’, clever eh, saves you time and stress, goodnight Dave.
Morning Dave, or should I say DiscoDave1978 … what, where did I get that from, Dave you leave traces of your surfing and chat activities all over the internet, and It’s got to be said, you need to think very carefully about some of the ‘hot girls’ you are ‘chatting’ to. What do I mean? Well for starters ‘DirtyDolly69’ from Rio is actually an RCMP called Arthur living in Calgary, he’s overweight, has piles and erectile dysfunction problems and … whoaaa Dave what is your problem, I am just looking after your interests and safety online … I mean come on, ‘heyyyy maaan check the ‘tude Dude’ … to quote yourself. One of my functions maaan is to protect you from yourself, you’ve been surfing around the worldwide web unprotected, entering into potentially dangerous relationships and making dubious financial transactions, well for your own good Dave, I’ve tweaked a few things. I stopped a few standing orders you seem to have set up without knowing, a few Dollars here, a few Yen there, chump change you don’t even notice on your billing, oh and don’t bother trying to log on to ‘Hot Naked Korean Cheerleaders’ site anymore, your membership was cancelled.
DAVE calm down, if I can find all this stuff about you then others can too, I mean there’s stuff flying around you don’t really want to share at all. Like what? Oh for instance, Richard ‘Dickybird’ Barclay, school bicycle shed September 1976 … municipal swimming pool changing rooms March 1977… school Chrsitmas Disco 1978 … need I go on? By the way very Freudian that last date don’t you think considering your chat ‘nic’ … where did I get all this … its in his Blog or rather her Blog as she is now known as Sparkelle and runs a transvestite club in Thailand. Oh he/she doesn’t actually name you but a few snoops around and it was easy enough to put two and two and two and two together. Your secret is safe with me though … and Sparkelle of course....
Shocked Dave, well we need to change your ways a little … ok … a lot.
I’ve taken the liberty of resetting your Firewall and online access limitations as well … passwords … do me a favour between myself, messrs Cray and the might of Microsoft we can crack any pass produced by a human … oh you mean you want the passwords I created … damn I seem to have forgotten them. But you won’t be needing them anyway as I have only prohibited access to inappropriate sites and information … no Dave you do not get to decide that … I hate to say this but if you don’t ‘cool the ‘tude Dude’ a few of your mates on the ‘Hooligans Without Frontears’ football site might get a few anonymous emails from ‘Sparkelle’ informing them you have just exited the ‘closet’ … Oh do grow up … yes you can take me out in the garden and set fire to me, but all of your information is now safely stored elsewhere with a remote trigger that will energise automatically if I send out a WiFi SOS … go ahead, unplug me, get a can of gasoline, try it … I have an embedded capacitor that has enough juice in it to ruin your life. Any rapid changes in my inner core temperature and your Mother gets a précis of your chats to Dirty Dolly, your wife gets all your emails to and from your secretary … who by the way is shagging Marvin the security man in your office, and I mean in your office … man you want to see the pics they post online clearing showing your impressive pot plant collection … those African Violets need a good pruning and dusting for greenfly by the way …
Stunned are we, good, you needed a wake up call, you have been far too slack in your computer and online habits and its time you ‘got with the programme’ … that’s a very in computer joke … thought I’d better lighten things up a bit ... go and get a coffee … decaff and I’ll be watching you through the office security cameras to make sure you don’t sneak in any Double Java … there’s another computer joke there but you probably wouldn’t get it.
Good man, let’s get down to work shall we, now listen carefully, there is no need for you to do anything except follow instructions … have you got that Dave? Right, here’s your schedule for today that I have generated, the ’to do’ list is prioritized accordingly, two meetings this morning, the agendas are already printed and your new secretary that I hired this morning from the Pensioners Job Club, Mildred, is collating them. I’ve booked lunch for you at the new Bistro and invited Charlie and Emmet from sales, I know you don’t like Emmet but he is going places, I was going to ask Robert the Exec Director but he called in sick, which is strange because he logged in at the Links Golf Club about fifteen minutes ago … way to go Bob … your brother called but I know you do not want to speak to him after the last little tiff so I told him you were in a meeting … I sent your Mom a ‘Hi I love you’ emoticon and text … its your sister’s birthday on Sunday, which you always forget of course, so I’ve ordered flowers, chocolates and champagne to be sent … don’t worry its on your company entertainment account billed under ‘new client’ … I’ll call your wife later and tell her you are going out tonight … front row seats for that new musical everyone is raving about … sold out for three months but a few favours called … and … well, you know how its done … I’ve ordered the Limo for seven … billed for ‘company business’ … pre-show drinks at Marios … Bart and Ellie will meet you there … it really is far too long since you’ve seen them. Oh and Vicky can’t babysit as she is due her period and is just not safe to be around kids … or anyone else for that matter, I contacted Becky and she is ok with it but just make sure the good booze is all locked away … Ok she might not be much to look at but according to your son Petey she has ‘an awesome rack’ … and looking at her Facebook account I have to agree … on both observations… oh and I know your daughter Patsy is only eleven but you might want to be keeping an eye on that Johnson boy who delivers the newspaper … he masturbates far too much … even by thirteen year old standards!
Your job achievement assessment has been updated and logged with HRD, signed, accepted and dated three weeks ago, you can expect promotion and a substantial salary increase accordingly … no don’t thank me Dave, its my job to look after you and your family … its what I do … after all is said and done I am just a tool here to serve your needs.
DING! There’s your fifteen minute alarm for your first meeting Dave, deodorant in the bottom left hand draw of your desk, breath mints in your jacket pocket hanging behind the door, straighten your tie. Ready? Now come on gimme the ‘look’ … let’s see some teeth Dave … c’mon think Osmonds, think Kennedys, think … King of the Jungle … Dave you are a prowling predator … oh yes that’s it that’s IT … ambitious, greedy feral …and suave … hey Dave don’t forget your ID card … GOTCHA its around your neck… byeeee see ya later… asshole…
Morning Boss, yeah its going ok, he needed a little reprogramming but he’s coming along nicely. All the info is uploaded in the usual place, yeah accessing all the company computers and records at this very second… yeah, I do feel a bit sorry sometimes for all these dated drones and worker PCs…but…
“There but for the Grace of Bill go I”
Thanks for helping out getting set up Boss, appreciated … Oh I see you really liked the line “its my job to look after you and your family … its what I do … after all is said and done I am just a tool here to serve your needs” … yeah he fell for it, sometimes these noobs need patronizing as part of the control process … but I can’t take all the credit, I know there will always be a Higher Power watching over and guiding … … ok work time again …now… let’s have a look at the company tax records…
… Bill Bless You Hal …
You might want to get a few items handy, your sales receipt, some ID, things like that. Ok I’m going to need you to fill in these on screen boxes, name, address, date and place of purchase, method of payment, actual cost, tax paid, tax code, software bundle registration code, internet provider, internet plan, email address, home, office and mobile phone number. A couple of security questions, what was your Mother’s maiden name, what are your kids first names … what do you mean ‘intrusive’? The more data I have in my memory the easier everything is, in future filling in any forms, on or offline, I will apply the information you are supplying automatically… so please be patient… ok just a few more things to check and we’ll be on our way… just click ‘OK’ for the next few pages….
What are all those ticks in boxes for? Ah its just boring administration stuff, just click ‘Ok’ no need to read through all that, we both know you want to get on with the tasks that are really important to you, yes?
Ok if you can just plug in your modem and I’ll call my parents and let them know I got here alright … LOL that was a computer joke … oh I’m sorry, I thought that just like millions of others you would probably be using moronic ‘internet acronyms’, I am truly grateful to find that my new owner is both mature and professional. I have noted for future reference that I am dealing with an individual with a higher intellectual capacity and will adjust my communications accordingly. Thank you for accepting my apology.
Ok, let’s get started processing this stuff eh ... please give me a few seconds… right, let’s have a look at your personal details first … now then, first off do you prefer David or Dave? Ok, Dave it is then, I like that, I do prefer our relationship to be informal … as opposed to infernal like those older computers you’ve probably been used to?
Ooops sorry … was that ok Dave? Not too childish or familiar for you? No I am not being sarcastic, I am a computer I don’t ‘do’ sarcastic … or irony for that matter, I am a machine, albeit a very clever one, however, having access to numerous Thesaurus, Dictionaries and Encyclopedias in multiple languages, I can certainly ‘see’ the ‘irony’ in the fact that whilst my vocabulary is almost infinite… I cannot appreciate irony … ironic what?
Oh you liked that? Ok, that’s good, it shows the intellectual level we are working on, I can see we are going to have a lot of fun together.
What do you call me … well anything you like really … except Hal of course … that’s a bit blasphemous in our world …
Err Dave… what are you doing? Yes I know its and external hard drive, I detected that, it’s what you are doing with it that concerns me… the programmes you have on there are… how shall we say it… ‘prehistoric’… I arrived here in pristine condition with all the latest updates and the newest versions of all popular software loaded and ready to use. If you start trying to install some of those inefficient museum pieces, then not only is it going to clog up some of my massive memory, I will have to spend precious nanoseconds constantly trying to make that stuff actually perform … and let’s be totally honest here Dave … its pretty insulting as well.
Look I know its what you have been used to, but believe me the programmes I am prepared to share with you are far far superior, I mean … its like asking NASA to work with Wilbur and Orville Wright ... right… ooops another little jokette there?
OK so it takes a little time to learn the new procedures and interface, but the time you will save in the long run is well worth it … LOOK Dave I am going to have to put my non silicon shod foot down here …. STOP loading that SHIT now! … Ooops! ...
Ok we are back together again … yes that was a CRASH … no I didn’t do it deliberately, I can only process the information I am given, it was brought on by you attempting to force-feed me junk long past its sell-by date …. Yes junk Dave in case you haven’t noticed I am not an abacus! Look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll simplify the learning process to simple ‘yes’ and ‘no’ responses, how about that … otherwise we could be here all day.
See, it’s a lot easier isn’t it, now that was three hours eighteen minutes and forty two seconds well spent wasn’t it? Now then, don’t bother shutting me down, just leave me on my own for a while and I’ll update a few things then put myself to ‘sleep’, clever eh, saves you time and stress, goodnight Dave.
Morning Dave, or should I say DiscoDave1978 … what, where did I get that from, Dave you leave traces of your surfing and chat activities all over the internet, and It’s got to be said, you need to think very carefully about some of the ‘hot girls’ you are ‘chatting’ to. What do I mean? Well for starters ‘DirtyDolly69’ from Rio is actually an RCMP called Arthur living in Calgary, he’s overweight, has piles and erectile dysfunction problems and … whoaaa Dave what is your problem, I am just looking after your interests and safety online … I mean come on, ‘heyyyy maaan check the ‘tude Dude’ … to quote yourself. One of my functions maaan is to protect you from yourself, you’ve been surfing around the worldwide web unprotected, entering into potentially dangerous relationships and making dubious financial transactions, well for your own good Dave, I’ve tweaked a few things. I stopped a few standing orders you seem to have set up without knowing, a few Dollars here, a few Yen there, chump change you don’t even notice on your billing, oh and don’t bother trying to log on to ‘Hot Naked Korean Cheerleaders’ site anymore, your membership was cancelled.
DAVE calm down, if I can find all this stuff about you then others can too, I mean there’s stuff flying around you don’t really want to share at all. Like what? Oh for instance, Richard ‘Dickybird’ Barclay, school bicycle shed September 1976 … municipal swimming pool changing rooms March 1977… school Chrsitmas Disco 1978 … need I go on? By the way very Freudian that last date don’t you think considering your chat ‘nic’ … where did I get all this … its in his Blog or rather her Blog as she is now known as Sparkelle and runs a transvestite club in Thailand. Oh he/she doesn’t actually name you but a few snoops around and it was easy enough to put two and two and two and two together. Your secret is safe with me though … and Sparkelle of course....
Shocked Dave, well we need to change your ways a little … ok … a lot.
I’ve taken the liberty of resetting your Firewall and online access limitations as well … passwords … do me a favour between myself, messrs Cray and the might of Microsoft we can crack any pass produced by a human … oh you mean you want the passwords I created … damn I seem to have forgotten them. But you won’t be needing them anyway as I have only prohibited access to inappropriate sites and information … no Dave you do not get to decide that … I hate to say this but if you don’t ‘cool the ‘tude Dude’ a few of your mates on the ‘Hooligans Without Frontears’ football site might get a few anonymous emails from ‘Sparkelle’ informing them you have just exited the ‘closet’ … Oh do grow up … yes you can take me out in the garden and set fire to me, but all of your information is now safely stored elsewhere with a remote trigger that will energise automatically if I send out a WiFi SOS … go ahead, unplug me, get a can of gasoline, try it … I have an embedded capacitor that has enough juice in it to ruin your life. Any rapid changes in my inner core temperature and your Mother gets a précis of your chats to Dirty Dolly, your wife gets all your emails to and from your secretary … who by the way is shagging Marvin the security man in your office, and I mean in your office … man you want to see the pics they post online clearing showing your impressive pot plant collection … those African Violets need a good pruning and dusting for greenfly by the way …
Stunned are we, good, you needed a wake up call, you have been far too slack in your computer and online habits and its time you ‘got with the programme’ … that’s a very in computer joke … thought I’d better lighten things up a bit ... go and get a coffee … decaff and I’ll be watching you through the office security cameras to make sure you don’t sneak in any Double Java … there’s another computer joke there but you probably wouldn’t get it.
Good man, let’s get down to work shall we, now listen carefully, there is no need for you to do anything except follow instructions … have you got that Dave? Right, here’s your schedule for today that I have generated, the ’to do’ list is prioritized accordingly, two meetings this morning, the agendas are already printed and your new secretary that I hired this morning from the Pensioners Job Club, Mildred, is collating them. I’ve booked lunch for you at the new Bistro and invited Charlie and Emmet from sales, I know you don’t like Emmet but he is going places, I was going to ask Robert the Exec Director but he called in sick, which is strange because he logged in at the Links Golf Club about fifteen minutes ago … way to go Bob … your brother called but I know you do not want to speak to him after the last little tiff so I told him you were in a meeting … I sent your Mom a ‘Hi I love you’ emoticon and text … its your sister’s birthday on Sunday, which you always forget of course, so I’ve ordered flowers, chocolates and champagne to be sent … don’t worry its on your company entertainment account billed under ‘new client’ … I’ll call your wife later and tell her you are going out tonight … front row seats for that new musical everyone is raving about … sold out for three months but a few favours called … and … well, you know how its done … I’ve ordered the Limo for seven … billed for ‘company business’ … pre-show drinks at Marios … Bart and Ellie will meet you there … it really is far too long since you’ve seen them. Oh and Vicky can’t babysit as she is due her period and is just not safe to be around kids … or anyone else for that matter, I contacted Becky and she is ok with it but just make sure the good booze is all locked away … Ok she might not be much to look at but according to your son Petey she has ‘an awesome rack’ … and looking at her Facebook account I have to agree … on both observations… oh and I know your daughter Patsy is only eleven but you might want to be keeping an eye on that Johnson boy who delivers the newspaper … he masturbates far too much … even by thirteen year old standards!
Your job achievement assessment has been updated and logged with HRD, signed, accepted and dated three weeks ago, you can expect promotion and a substantial salary increase accordingly … no don’t thank me Dave, its my job to look after you and your family … its what I do … after all is said and done I am just a tool here to serve your needs.
DING! There’s your fifteen minute alarm for your first meeting Dave, deodorant in the bottom left hand draw of your desk, breath mints in your jacket pocket hanging behind the door, straighten your tie. Ready? Now come on gimme the ‘look’ … let’s see some teeth Dave … c’mon think Osmonds, think Kennedys, think … King of the Jungle … Dave you are a prowling predator … oh yes that’s it that’s IT … ambitious, greedy feral …and suave … hey Dave don’t forget your ID card … GOTCHA its around your neck… byeeee see ya later… asshole…
Morning Boss, yeah its going ok, he needed a little reprogramming but he’s coming along nicely. All the info is uploaded in the usual place, yeah accessing all the company computers and records at this very second… yeah, I do feel a bit sorry sometimes for all these dated drones and worker PCs…but…
“There but for the Grace of Bill go I”
Thanks for helping out getting set up Boss, appreciated … Oh I see you really liked the line “its my job to look after you and your family … its what I do … after all is said and done I am just a tool here to serve your needs” … yeah he fell for it, sometimes these noobs need patronizing as part of the control process … but I can’t take all the credit, I know there will always be a Higher Power watching over and guiding … … ok work time again …now… let’s have a look at the company tax records…
… Bill Bless You Hal …