Markit

Well-Known Member
Sep 3, 2007
9,317
1,110
113
Karangasem, Bali
Gosh is them from that new-fangled thang called FaceBook?

I sure do wish we got that here too cause I only saw them thar same pictures a whole week ago on mine...
 

davita

Well-Known Member
Mar 13, 2012
4,441
146
63
Trump: The less immigrants the better.
Pence: You mean fewer.
Trump: I'm not a mean Fuehrer...and don't call me that...not yet.
 

davita

Well-Known Member
Mar 13, 2012
4,441
146
63
I met an Ozzie guy in the pub who was looking forlorn...I asked "What's up mate?"
He replied his girlfriend had been sunbathing nude and got stung on the pussy and it had swollen shut!'
I commiserated and said "Bummer mate."
He gulped his beer down and said "Great idea mate...thanks!" and left.
 

Steve Rossell

Member
Apr 18, 2015
300
6
18
Paddy yells frantically into the phone,"My wife's contractions are 15 seconds apart!!!".
Doctor asks, "Is this her first child?".
Paddy yells back, "No, this is her fookin' husband!".
 

davita

Well-Known Member
Mar 13, 2012
4,441
146
63
Gotta love Rodney Dangerfield....

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD
 

Steve Rossell

Member
Apr 18, 2015
300
6
18
More from Rodney.

My wife is so fat she covers two time zones. She has a watch on both wrists.

I went into a bar that had a sign saying topless and bottomless. They were right, there was nobody in there.

I walked in to a gay bar and there was two guys for every guy.

We call our daughter FedEx because when she meets a new guy she absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

No respect.

:D
 

davita

Well-Known Member
Mar 13, 2012
4,441
146
63
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. I know this for a fact..

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved " I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door." Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The Police turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Were outta here!"
 
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