YOU MUST BE JOKING

Gloria

Member
Nov 5, 2002
128
0
16
Hello all,humour is the best remedy they tell me...how about a section on this forum for jokes and funny quips,or words of wisdom and anecdotes...all designed to raise a laugh or whatever else you want to raise...but keep it clean..ish please....like the one about the man who went to the doctor with a pain in his.......oh better not tell that one...I might get in trouble.....come on you guys tell us a few gooduns....happen to know its Berts Birthy hapday soonish and we need some good jokes for him......and me......G
 

Bert Vierstra

Active Member
Nov 5, 2002
3,403
0
36
Homeless
its Berts Birthy hapday soonish

Oh, yes, I have a party in Pemaron, Band, Beer, Food.

21 november starting at 16:00 until....

In Pemaron , next to the Kantor Kapala Desa, there is a sign "PT Sujata Media" follow the small "gang", go for the noise.

Sampai Jumpa !

Yes, you are invited too !
 

Roy

Active Member
Nov 5, 2002
4,835
1
36
Ubud, Bali
For Gloria and Bert

Dear Gloria and Bert,

Gloria, you are so right on! In my past life, I lived in New England, 200 year old house, multiple fireplaces, etc, etc., and yes, a white picket fence. But also Reader's Digest which always ran a section "Laughter is The Best Medicine" :D Good to see you in good spirits (no pun intended) :wink: and laughing off the "slings and arrows." Tenaga, you are indeed, hmmmm as Yoda would say. Good! I'm happy you're OK.

Bert, Bert, Bert, I am so sorry to have made fun of your first "mug" but in retrospect, I am liking it more than the current one! What can I say? You are a Scorpio, so...you can handle all of this barbing from me. :wink: Happy birthday Bert! I will follow in your footsteps just two days later! I'm on the cusp, Scorpio/Sagittarian, thus all the excuse I need to be arrogant, nasty, sometimes kind, and once month, gifted with wisdom...but only once a month! :!: Kinda like a woman's...never mind. :shock:

Back to the mugs. Do you guys want us all to submit one? It's a neat feature, and likely not everyone will go for it, but I like it. It makes the forum here more personal. Cheers...and time for a nap before the big Gentry 50th birthday party in Sayan. I'm going to get Chris on this forum. He'd love it, and his wit will be very much enjoyed! Selamat to you both! Sore, Roy
 

Roy

Active Member
Nov 5, 2002
4,835
1
36
Ubud, Bali
YES! BERT...Now THAT is a portrait, not a mug!

OK Bert! Great shot! Any votes from others on this one? Hu ha Bert, you look much more happy, happy, happy! Lise! Sorry you are cursed with the same birthday as me! What can I say, misery loves company? Nah, we are the good people...well, once in a while anyway ;)
 

Gloria

Member
Nov 5, 2002
128
0
16
Mug shots are compulsary on this forum......ha...ha...

Great mug shot Bert....bet we can get a better one on your birthday...incognito of course...good idea we all have one,even a baby photo would be kinda good...you know the type your mother brings out at ya 21st,just to show ya girlfriend....naked on a rug...maybe....go on you guys I dare yas.........G
 

Py

Member
Nov 11, 2002
100
0
16
Br. Basang Kasah, Bali
I got tons of jokes...

O.K here's one. Dirty old man says to Catholic school girl in the park... Eh, no that ones not a good idea here! O.K., O.K., have you heard the one about the horny parrot? ...No not that one either, the punchline is... OH, I got one! How do you stop a little dog from... You know what folks, I don't think I can contribute to this thread.

Going to mandi my mouth with sabun now, Py.


P.S. I still like the first photo Burt, kinda reminds me of late Van Gogh.
 

Phil_ Rhonda

New Member
Nov 16, 2002
2
0
1
Beenleigh, QLD Australia
Well, Snow White had lived on another 25 years after her charming Prince had passed away, and today she could be found sitting in her rocker, on the balcony, her grey tabby "Bertie" comfortably on her lap.
The Fairy Godmother appeared one sunny day, and explained that because Snow White had lived such a good but lonely life, she was now entitled to another 3 wishes. Snow White thought about this...and said what a wonderful thing it would be to be extremely rich. Immediately, her rocking chair was turned to solid gold, embellished with precious stones. Wish number 2 was to again be beautiful, and look younger...a voluptuous woman materialised in the golden rocker..familiar stirrings beginning from within...and a lovely body ripening to these stirrings. Wish number 3 was for her beloved "Bertie" to once again become her beautiful handsome prince. In a flash, there he was..sitting comfortably on the curve of her bended leg....smiling...reaching out...a gleam in both their eyes.....and softly he leaned towards her..nuzzling neck & breast...and quietly said..
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
"Bet you wish now that you hadn't had me neutered!!"

Regards to all...Phil & Rhonda.
 

marcia

New Member
Nov 5, 2002
26
0
1
Gloria said:
Hello all,humour is the best remedy they tell me...how about a section on this forum for jokes and funny quips,or words of wisdom and anecdotes...

here's a favourite poem from an Australian poet :

I HOPE YER SHEEP GET FLYBLOWN
By Janine Haig



So you're the mob got all the rain while we got hardly none;
The clouds massed over your place and left us with the sun.
Your bit of sky grew darker, while we just got the heat -
I watched the storms a-building… my thoughts were not too sweet.
I caught a whiff of dampness as the wind began to gust;
It blasted all around and then it drowned us in… red dust.
Lightning filled the heavens, caused havoc with the power;
Yes, we got the black-outs… but we never got a shower.

*
I hope yer sheep get flyblown,
I hope yer fleeces rot;
I hope the'roos find all yer grass
And eat the bloody lot.
I hope yer cattle choke on weed
And then all get the shits;
I hope that when it rains again
Yer roads all fall to bits.
I hope the burr-bush thrives and grows
And spreads across yer land;
I hope yer stock gets nicked when
All that rain dissolves yer brands.
I hope yer fences wash away
And all yer horses roam;
I hope a heap of nasty leaks
Will moisturise yer home.
I hope that big green slimy frogs
Will populate yer loo;
I hope that they serenade you
'till yer ear-drums break in two.
I hope yer dogs all get webbed feet
And keep 'em for all time;
I hope a million bog-holes
Will then turn yer place to slime.
I hope the creek beside yer yards
Will shift 'em from their site;
I hope the hopes I hope for you
Will keep you up all night.

POST SCRIPT
I heard a plague of locusts have attacked your place this
year….

While we, with all our dryness, haven't got that problem
here….
 

alison

New Member
Nov 15, 2002
4
0
1
new zealand
here is a joke for all I liked it hope you do
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored
and
frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have
any
worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod
appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin
turned
nto a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old
mate. Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new
menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming
luck.

Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs
the
cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a
prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve
a
prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the
reef,
he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's
at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set
off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin,
your old friend, come out and see me again.
"Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy

and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed."....................
 

Gloria

Member
Nov 5, 2002
128
0
16
Alisons joke

Hey Alison....your "joke" reminds me so much of Indonesia......Still love it though......that is...Indonesia,your joke and you.........G....
 

alison

New Member
Nov 15, 2002
4
0
1
new zealand
HI GLORIA AND ALL THOUGHT YOU MAY GET A LAUGH OUT OF THIS

Subject: Very drunk


Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly
Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony
says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell
Jane
that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even
drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give
him
a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My
God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve
says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had
a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too
many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry
an'gave me
twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!" Jane looks in the breast pocket
and says, "But this is forty dollars." "Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he
shhhit in
 

Lothar

Member
Nov 16, 2002
188
0
16
Malaysia
well, hmmm...nevermind, I post it. Not dirty but cute

:p

A young Bulgarian peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After two months, she gave the boss two-weeks notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hardworking and doing a good job.
He called her into his office, and asked her why she was leaving.
"Oh, it is nothink, I just want to kvit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise," he offered.
"No, but thank you," she said.
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know," said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look! I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you!"
Tickled by her innocence, the boss also took off his underwear and showed his, explaining, "My dear, it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well!"

:lol:
 

Bert Vierstra

Active Member
Nov 5, 2002
3,403
0
36
Homeless
marcia said:
Hope you're having a wonderful time at your party. Don't forget to tell us all about it.
regards from marcia

It was great. My best birthday ever I think. Lots of locals, a band,
some expat friends, like Satya, Sylvia, and Gus. About 30 liters
of tuak, 160 bintangs besar, and 8 crates of cola etc. Lots of sate
and rice. Hope you can make it next year guys.

bd.jpg
 

Roy

Active Member
Nov 5, 2002
4,835
1
36
Ubud, Bali
Hu's On First

The famous Vietnam War photographer, Hugh Van Es just sent me this from Hong Kong. It's helps if you've ever heard the famous Abbott and Costello routine called Who's on First, based on American baseball, but this will still be enjoyable if you never heard that famous routine.


HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
 

alison

New Member
Nov 15, 2002
4
0
1
new zealand
another one

Please be on the alert:

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer," is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses."

:lol: