Bali Expat Forum - Bali Travel Forum

[Jimbo]

Received my tickets for my trip home today. I have filled in all the forms here for the visa ad come hell or high water I am going home for two months on July 10th.

First I will bury my father in law and attend to all the inlaws and then onward to Bali with the tribe to see what I can afford to buy and what area I will settle in when the time comes.

This will be my 22nd trip to Indonesia and 9th to Bali in 24 years but as I have been stuck in Kazakhstan and Saudi for the last 5 or so I am looking forward to seeing the changes but most of all my extended family.

With the death of my Father in Law in December I am now the Patriach of the family. This brings on a lot of responsibilities and I hope I am up to the task. When I get to Bali however I am truly going to lotus eat and try and absorb the culture that made me want to settle there.

It is fortunate that I do not have the language to learn (Indonesian that it not Balinese) but I am sure that in all else I will have to do so. I have been talking to a lot of my workers who are Hindu to try and get a better understanding but I fear that it may not be much help as it seems to be quite different to Bali. Still you are never too old to learn.

I hope to meet many whilst I am there and will let you know my schedule nearer the time. Feeling better every day it comes nearer. I just hope I meet my family who are leaving from the UK in Qatar and link up for the journey.

[Tim]

I believe you would "fit in" anywhere you go Jimbo...enjoy your journey.
Best regards,
Tim

[Person]

Good on you Jimbo you deserve a holiday.

[spitfire]

Jimbo, or anybody else, if I may ask you as a long term expat.., how do you cope with parents that get ill and eventually die? I am flying back to Holland tomorrow because my father has gotten seriously ill very fast. I have gotten permission from work to go back for 4 weeks, but it does mean I have to return to Bali (it normally sounds silly to write that you have to return to Bali, I know). I feel guilty that we have emigrated and may be able to have enough time to spend with him..

[SamD]

Jimbo, or anybody else, if I may ask you as a long term expat.., how do you cope with parents that get ill and eventually die?

I lost my father three years ago and my twin brother four months ago in Scotland. The guilt feelings are normal and you can either accept them or rationalise them away. When faced with a serious illness of your loved ones, living on the other side of the world, you face an awful dilemma: go back now knowing that you have to return in a few weeks with the knowledge that you might never see them again or wait until the end is near with the risk they may pass away without you seeing them. I chose the first option but the pain and guilt on not being there for my brother when he died especially hurts. The pain never goes away but I cope by telling myself that if it had been the other way around, I would be happy if my brother did the same. Tomorrow I will be in Bali with my lovely wife and infant daughter (we also have a place in Jimbaran). My brother spent a short holiday in Bali under rather odd circumstances that I won't go into here, and perhaps sowed the seeds that eventually led to my marrying a Balinese. I will have a Bintang for him and remember the good times. It's all you can do. Every expat has probably had to deal with this situation at one time or another (although I don't ever consider myself an expat, I find the term reeking of old colonialism). Sometimes when I feel the guilt feelings coming back I cheer myself up with a cynical line from The Simpsons, a show my brother always liked: "Don't keep blaming yourself, blame yourself once then move on" .

Hope it works out for you.

Regards
Sam

[Jimbo]

Spitfire

There is no great advice one can give. I was away from home when both my mother and two years later died. I went home and buried them and then got on with my life. It is a truism that time heals all wounds. It is impossible to grieve forever.

Now I remember all the good things and alugh at the memories when they were alive. I hope that you father recovers but if he does not you cannot feel guilt for something that is not your fault.

Good luck my friend.

[Sanurian]

Hi, Jimbo

Someone once said that God needs to pick the most beautiful flowers first. Sorry to hear your father-in-law has moved on.

I was just going to make a flippant comment with respect to your being stuck in Kazakhstan and Saudi. Well - what the heck - Life goes on...Living is Dying, after all, and possibly vice-versa. Meaning that it's possible Death Is Not The End.

No doubt you know of Borat? (Not Borax, the stuff they used to stick in Bakso.) I'd love to see his impressions of Bali and Indonesia. Maybe you've met him.

As I scrolled down further in this thread, I found a number of people who've lost loved-ones recently, and some who are struggling with "guilt feelings" for being an expat somewhere. I really do empathize with you all.

I doubt that there is anyone out there who can really help with the pain involved. Possibly the best "help" is from close friends who don't try to "help"...just listen and feel. After all, who is an expert in these matters?

I wish everyone the very best, including the departed souls.

[spitfire]

Thank you SamD, Jimbo and Sanurian, your words are warm and helpfull. I have arrived yesterday and went straight on to find my father in a deep sleep after a chemo therapy. When he woke up and saw me, he cried. I have never seen my father cry in my life before and my feelings were mixed. Happy to have given him the joy of my company and sad to see him in the state he is in now.

The last time I saw him, was when I delivered my parents in good health at Denpasar airport only 5 weeks ago.

I have been talking and talking about everything that we feel that needs to be said with my mother and I am hoping to be able to do the same with my father soon.

I have hardly slept since my departure from Bali 2 days ago but it definately feels good to be here....with them.

[Tim]

Everything will find its way Spitfire, don't be tough on yourself. Your parents know who you are and that's all that really matters.
All the best,
Tim

[Jimbo]

Spitfire

Your words touched me. My parents died over 35 years ago and yet your description on seeing your father cry brought back all those years as though it was yesterday.

The most precious gifts we are given are our parents and our children. Good luck with both.