Thread: forgiveness vs principle

Hi! I need some opinion, as I can't share the secret of my boyfriend of 3 years to anyone else, even my mum!! whenever I am in doubt i always speak to her and seek for her advise since I have promised my boyfriend not to let anyone know, just in case i will tarnish his image among my friends and family.
My boyfriend confessed to me last nite, he slept with prostitute 4 times before he goes out with me,(that was during the time when he just broke up with his ex-girlfriend).
All the while, he has been hiding this secret as he afraid of losing me and ashame to bring it up, what motivate him to let me know is due to he has became more devoted toward our common faith, chrisitianity, he would like to set himself free from this burden. He was deeply regreted and cried in front of me for forgiveness, i was at a lost.
The question is my one and only principle is I can't torelate my future partner or boyfriend ever slept with prostitute, with girlfriend i am ok with that, but not prostitute :cry: that is against my principle, I can't share this with anyone of my close friends and my mum, I scared they will look down on my boyfriend and I will be a laughing stock as I have been very picky and choosy in term of going out with guys. My boyfriend looks absolutely decent, from good family, wonderful personality but misled by the wrong peers. what should I do? should I break up with him? If I continue with this relationship I am going to struggle with my principle, and I am afraid I can't get myself initimate with him physically anymore but I do love him, I feel so sad and digust since last nite he told me, I can't eat my lunch as I feel like vomit even now. what should i do? :cry:

I totally agree with Bert. It took a great deal of courage for your boyfriend to tell you about this, and the fact that he did tell you, indicates to me that he really loves and respects you and does not want any secrets to come inbetween your relationship. As troubling as his revelation may be to you, you could also look at this from another point of view.

The most essential part of all successful relationships is the acceptance of your partner being human, and thus with flaws. No man or woman is perfect and without something in their past that they regret. That is how we all learn, is it not…from our mistakes? As for what others or family may think, then rely on the Christian scripture, “let him, or her who is without sin cast the first stone.”

Within Christianity, as well as within ALL faiths, the act of forgiveness is at the essence of following such faith. If you truly love your boyfriend, then you will find a way to forgive him, and you will also come to be grateful for his honesty…as a gift to you.

Good luck to you both.

thanks bert and roy for your advises, I really appreciate that you guys have been very kind to give people good advise and share your experience in life and view of life : )
My boyfriend and I are going to a church camp for young adult at Bukit Tinggi, Malaysia. The church camp is about revealing the dark secret and release the bondage from each individual. I joked with him and said "do u have any dark secret? i don't wish to be the last one to know" then he confessed to me. He apologised to me he is not my Mr. perfect, he got lots of flaws.
well, I really can't stand to keep it to myself, I called my mum last nite, and weep over the phone but she is laughing over the phone (my mum is like my good friend but I am a bit pissed when she laugh) and told me God will forgive for what he did in the past and i should learn to forgive him and advised me not to give up a good guy like him (In fact, he did quiet smoking for me).
so...i decided to forgive him i guess that is God want me to do too and after I told him about my decision he is really very happy and in cloud 9 but somehow he need to build my trust on him again, he promise me he will try to work on that.
These 2 days is like crazy to me, i keep thinking of lots of weird thing, how to revenge, I told him i want to get even, I want to sleep with 4 different guys (well he just said if that make me happy he will accept that), and strongly warned him I don't want to see his friend anymore (who brought him there) just in case I might being sarcastic to him.
I know u guys might think I am just being immature and my heart just not big enough, well I am just being honest and want to share what I really feel.
I am just a mafia, "don't mess with me, u will get a taste of it" sound pretty revengeful huh? I will try to change as revengeful is not what God wants us to be, it is hard but I will try....cheers have a good weekend, that is all folks!!

Hello, My immediate response was PLEASE get an HIV test, and PLEASE get anothre one 6 months after that, too. And ask him to get an HIV test.

But i know this feeling of disgust you're talking about: while I was with my boyfriend (for lack of better word) I noticed at one point he had the outbreak of std herpes 2, to which luckily I said whoa! Not tonight for two weeks, dear....

However, HE swore to me I was the "first" outside of his wife, that is (hheh hehe chuckle), and I just more or less accepted it with the understanding that Oh well, it was before me...I do not have it...

However, now that we have broken up through other circumstances, completely, I feel ALL the feelings of suppressed upset and anger and "betrayal" that I didnt really think about, then. And now I have to watch him chasing women divers who come to this village, and while I know what he is after, THEY, like his wife, do not have a clue what he has to pass on.

So while I forgave, I find it almost impossible not to forget and if you are either like me or human, for this aspect alone, you will need a person or people to talk to...because it is normal to feel betrayed and angry and you will have to work this through.

I would also normally say that while it is good to forgive,always keep your principles, but check them periodically for soundness and accuracy. If they stand up to time, then even if it hurts---I still say it is better to keep those principles. What ensues usually is a huge learning experience about life and also a good chance to fine tune said principles.

Drdana, He has what I understood not betrayed her, this was something he did in his past, and that before her. He should not be judged to hard, like someone said earlier, we all do mistakes.

Cajizy, if you can`t forgive and look past your principles then you should break up, but you will for sure have a long road to go on the search for that inocent and perfect man...

kim, I am talking about the feelings of betrayal which happen normally after such an event, no matter when it took place. THey are irrational in basis, but there, unless she is a robot. Does also no good for any of us to say "such and such is not so, because....." because emotions come from the heart and we are asking her to overlay a brain activity on what is a heart issue, at this point.

and at this point we know he confessed to her, but confession in and of itself can have many dimensions, and we dont really know ALL those dimensions, since we are outsiders to the situation.

my advice is always to get tested and to go to someone to talk. Hurt, pain and sadness are lower on the ladder than anger, but the emotions progress through the stages regardless of any of us sitting on the outside advising her to be rational and forgive and forget. Forgiveness is a very high level activity (just as Jesus was very high level), and, really, forgetting just doesnt ever happen.

Hence, reaching out to get all this kind advice and perspective, which is necessary, but STILL she will have feelings that are better left to sorting out.

God, I am so glad to be finished with western women. :D

That last post reminded me all too much of my ex. I think I'll turn on the TV, and watch the current episode of "Desperate Housewives." That always makes me feel better. :shock:

um i'd recommend to leave it at that instead of digging deeper and try to sort something out that isn't there. seems to me as if they'd both be "looking for trouble that isn't there". So, he screwed up back in his days before he met her. The important next step is that you both get tested. If you're both ok, be happy, move on and have faith in yourself and your relationship.