How to be a Balinese Yuppy:

[Roy]

A Practical, Twelve-Step Handbook By Degung Santikarma.

While "cleaning up" some of my very old files, I stumbled into this one. It's a hoot! I wish I could take credit for it, but no way is this mine. A treat to follow:

1. Clothes are crucial, and the key word is "neo-colonial." Jeans are out.
Gently faded khakis are in. T-shirts with English-language slogans are
definitely out. Subdued batik shirts, linen, and short pants with extra
pockets for your handphone are all good choices. Glasses, whether you need them or not, are a vital accessory. Long hair is too subversive. After
all, you are trying to get ahead, not get your head kicked in at a
demonstration.

2. It is important to always have an opinion on current events. If you
have no opinions of your own, the following sound bites will work in
almost any situation: "We need to return Bali to the Balinese," "we must
empower Balinese tradition to face globalization," or, if these don't go
over, "I think the caffe latte is much better at the Nusa Dua Galleria
than in Ubud."

3. All true Balinese yuppies support the arts. There are several ways to do
this. The best strategy, of course, is to open your own gallery. If you
can't afford that, you must become an artist yourself. Painting,
architecture, landscaping, photography or graphic design are all
acceptable creative pursuits. And don't worry if you have no talent. If
your art works are terrible, just explain that you are "transcending the
archaic limits of the aesthetic to explore art as a meditative
methodology." Don't worry if no one understands; they will admire you more for it.

4. It is important to express solidarity with the oppressed. You can do
this by joining the board of an NGO or attending a fund raiser - preferably
one that has a high percentage of other would-be yuppies involved or that
will get your picture in the paper. But don't take it too far. Your NGO of
choice should be run by short-haired people. And remember, while it's okay to talk about "empowering villagers," promoting "participatory
development," or helping out the poor, this doesn't mean that you should
let your children go to school with them. And speaking of children, if you
have them, leave them at home. They will just speak English better than
you and make you look bad.

5. As an authentic Balinese, you should not forget your social and
religious heritage. You must do your part to "preserve Balinese culture,"
and that means attending rituals. This doesn't however, mean that you can slack off on your commitment to style. Real Balinese yuppies never wear those ceremonial jackets that look like dentist uniforms, they wear
antique sarongs and linen shirts. And you should also be aware that not
all culture is good culture. Attend too many meetings of your local banjar
and people might think you cannot afford to pay someone to take your
place. You should know that falling victim to black magic is also in bad
taste. Meditation, yoga, and midnight temple runs are, on the other hand,
the height of chic.

6. A well developed sense of nostalgia is crucial as part of your
responsibility to safeguard Balinese culture from the ravages of
modernity. You can do your bit by buying as many "antiques" as your house can hold. But be careful with your history. Don't ask your grandmother to do your authentic interiors, or you'll end up with pigs and ducks in your living room and a huge spittoon by your bed. And don't go back to your original village any more than absolutely necessary, or you'll find all your poor relations asking you for jobs.

7. Remember, you are what you drive. If you have the money, buy a Toyota Land Cruiser. (If people ask you why you need such an expensive car, say it makes the drive to Besakih Temple so much easier.) If you cannot afford this, buy an antique Mercedes or a reconditioned VW Bug. For weekends, buy a Harley-Davidson or, if that's out of your range, an old Vespa scooter for the Euro-Bali look. Under no circumstances should you be caught dead on a Honda bebek motorbike.

8. Self-promotion is crucial. Writing for the local paper is good, writing
your own book (about culture, not politics) is better. Put your writing on
your own Web site, and then have your Internet address printed on your
business cards. If you can't write, pay someone to do it for you, or
convince local journalists by whatever means necessary to quote you
repeatedly.

9. Forget the traditional Balinese custom of taking your rice into the
corner and eating alone. You should try to do as much of your consuming in public as possible, with your hand-phone always laid on the table so people can see you're expecting the journalists to call and ask you for a quote. If this presents a financial hardship, remember the nostalgia principle. When the fine French wine is too dear or the pasta too pricey, order a violently-colored cendol or soda gembira with your vegetarian nasi campur, and say you're craving the authentic tastes of your childhood.

10. You should be Westernized, but not look like you're trying too hard.
Good English is essential, as is a subscription to The Jakarta Post. But
you need to remember to take your cosmopolitanism for granted as part of your birthright as a Balinese. That means no calling out "hello tourist"
or "hey mister," no matter how tempting it may seem. In fact, you should
stay as far away from Kuta Beach as possible. Any foreign friend should be strategically chosen, and should preferably have either a Ph.D., a very
successful import-export business, or credentials as a writer or artist.
You should strive to make people believe that your first words as a child
were "professionalism," "empowerment," and "networking." Foreign spouses are fine, as long as they don't deplete your clothes/car/entertainment budget on such trivialities as health insurance, toilet paper, and imported cheese, or expect you to stay at home and talk when you could be networking.

11. Be your own tourist. Demonstrate to the world that Balinese can play
the part of guest as well as host. If you can afford it, go to Paris, New
York, or India. If your funds are stretched, go to Singapore. If you can't
afford to go overseas, say you're too busy trying to improve society
and/or working on your latest book/painting/land deal to travel right now.

12. An appropriate attitude toward gender is essential. Talk about "gender
sensitivity" and "women's equality" in public, but leave your wife at
home. Someone needs to support your expensive lifestyle. And besides, she'd feel left out, for all true Balinese yuppies are male. If you're a woman reading this, sorry. You could always try moving to Jakarta.

All I can say is.... :D :D :D :shock:

[matsaleh]

Very funny Roy.
I particularly liked, "transcending the archaic limits of the aesthetic to explore art as a meditative methodology." :?: :roll:

:arrow:

[matsaleh]

Lighten up Doc......you've plenty of time to become old and crotchetty. :P :lol:

:arrow:

[drbruce]

Thanks for that one, Roy. I remember reading this somewhere before (maybe in Latitudes), but it is just what I needed to read right now.

P.S. I received your cousin's CV.

Regards,

Bruce